Coming home we spent the rest of the day watching tv and having Arlo nap on my chest then Charlie's then back to me for at least 3 hours. We tried to get an early night as we knew we had to be in the hospital at 2pm but where going to try and get an earlier appointment. As it so happens we couldn't get an earlier appointment and where advised by our consultant to go in for 2pm. Charlie's mam offered to come over and look after Arlo last mini and we agreed. I am so grateful now. We went in and talked some more about the syndrome and our decision to end the pregnancy which was something we had been discussing for the last week or so. We where told where we to continue the pregnancy it would be highly likely she would miscarry however there is no telling when. So I could go a few more days or months. We didn't want to be faced with having to confirm to people that yes I am pregnant but we are essentially waiting for baby to die. So we made the hardest decisions of our lives and take matters into our hands and end the pregnancy. "Why delay the inevitable?" Charlie asked and I agreed. We didn't want our baby girl to suffer.

The consultant went off to see if they could fit us in as soon as possible as I'd need to take one pill then come back 2 days later and stay in hospital in a department near by. We had one last scan and got to see her alive and snoozing in my womb. We also got some pictures just for us to keep. Then they came back and said we could get started straight away if we wanted. We agreed and for the first time since getting married I signed my married name as Mrs. Watson on the consent form to end our baby's life. Taking that first pill was the most sickening thing I've ever done. I didn't think I was going to be able to swallow it for choking and crying. All Charlie could do was hold me. We where then taken to see Ward 40 where we where going to be staying come Thursday.

Wednesday was a fucking horrific day. Charlie and I cried, we where angry and argued and made up. We where stern and guarded all day. We made the effort to go to Tesco and pick up some bits to take into hospital the next day, I packed an overnight bag just in case and tried to get an early night.

My mom came for 6:30am to take care of Arlo and we drove in near silence to the hospital. We got there at about 7:55am, walked to the ward and sat waiting for someone to take us to our private room. It was the longest 10 minutes of our lives. When we got in the room was so depressing but I grew to like it in the end.

At 9:20am I put the first lot of medication in as close to my cervix as I could and in as little as 15 min I was in pain. Charlie was right there with me and we where trying to watch a film. I decided to try and sleep and managed an hour and a half. When I woke up and moved I swore the earth was about to fall out my foof and commence one of the weirdest funny moments of our lives. Charlie trying to pull my pants off while I keep my legs shut to not get blood everywhere! He then got a cardboard bed pan which I promptly flattened with my fat ass and we just creased up!

As time went on the pain and cramps turned into painful and strong contractions for which I took some medication. It helped but the next lot didn't touch the sides and neither did the next lot of pain killers. I was now contracting for up to 2 minutes, every 30 seconds. I had also taken at the tablets required for phase two to happen. I went to the toilet and sat there as two or 3 more contractions went through me. At this point a nurse let herself into the toilet to give me some liquid morphine. I went back to the room but not for long. It was just past 7pm at the time I asked charlie to come with me to the toilet. And cue the next funny moments. Sitting there contracting, laughing that I might be having a poo and making charlie swear he will swop the toilet pan over once I'm done and then to being violently sick, so much so that I filled two sick pans. The then getting up and essentially being dressed again to then scream for charlie to pull my pants down!!!

It was at this moment I felt my waters pop and I quickly sat down on a clean toilet pan. All of a sudden our tiny baby girl was here. The time was 7:25pm. As I stood up and turned around to have a look I could see her tiny lips and nose, her tiny hands and ears. We pulled the cord to alert a nurse to come to the bathroom. We covered our baby girl and the nurse took her away. I cried and Charlie held me tight. We went back to our cubicle and waited for the contractions to deliver my placenta. It didn't come any time soon. In the end I suggested charlie go home and they started giving me the next lot of pills to try bring on the placenta. After charlie went home I watched a film and then asked to see my baby girl. They brought her in on this beautiful knitted nest in a little wicker basket and I just spent time looking at her and sitting with her until about 1am. I took the last pill shortly after they took her away again but Friday morning came and still nothing.

Charlie came into hospital and they gave us two options to proceed, having also said that this situation wasn't unusual for a pregnancy in the second trimester. Option one was to start the pills all over again and hope they bring on the placenta or surgery where they suction the remaining pregnancy tissue under general anaesthetic. We opted for the pills because if they worked then great if not surgery it is! We got let home to get fresh clothes and to see our 7 month old boy and we're back for 7pm that night. I was to sat in again and start the next lot of pills at 9pm then again every 3 hours taking the last at 6am. They were actually pessaries this time around and the pain and contractions kicked in soon after inserting the first one. I took a diclofenac and that did nothing. So they gave me 2 paracetamol which did nothing either. And now I was trying to cope alone in my dark cubicle. At about 11pm I swore I was close to pushing something out but unfortunately not so. I asked for some more painkillers and was given 2 codeine which did the trick and I drifted off into a haze/high and then finally sleep. Until 12:20am when the nurse came with the next pessary. Then at 3:20am then I struggled to sleep until 6:20am and woke up early and put a movie on. There was still no placenta and I just knew it would be surgery. Charlie and I talked on the phone and he come in later on as if it was indeed surgery I'd be taken in at 9-10am.

By now I'd had a shower and was in my hospital gown and trying to cope with not being able to drink anything. The medication had made me so dry in the mouth and swollen and sore down below. Surgery was a go and we had gone through risks etc with the doctor who was going to perform the surgery and once again signed my new married name on other consent form. Then a hospital porter came with a bed at about 10am to take me to theatre. We talked and joked on the way down and I met the anaesthetist assistant and went through everything again and again I signed Mrs. Watson. The next stop was the anaesthetic room and I had the heart monitors attached while the anaesthetist inserted a cannula into my right hand. We where chatting while she put different liquids into the line and her assistant put an oxygen mask over my face and the next thing I knew I was in recovery. I was in recovery a lot longer than I felt I was but when I got back to the room I felt really good. Charlie and I talked, I ate lunch and then got dressed and did my makeup, surprised at how I felt. While we where waiting for my last lot of observations to be done I asked if the nurse looking after me could help me take a foot or hand print of our baby girl. She brought her into a separate room and we set to work trying to get a good print. We managed with both and I also accidentally got a print of her left butt cheek. This did make me laugh a little.

Eventually I was discharged and we took her home in a plastic specimen tub in a inconspicuous white plastic bag. We have decided to have her cremated and then we will scatter her ashes so she can be everywhere and nowhere all at once.

Sunday morning came and Arlo woke us up at 6:20am. It was a beautiful day so I suggested we take a walk. We went to Tesco and got some BBQ things and came home and had our first family BBQ in our garden and for the first time since we got married actually enjoyed the day. It's now 6:45pm and the sun is still beaming through the window and I'm sat here typing the last of this long, emotional, stressing, humbling story out thinking it's strange to no longer be pregnant. And it's strange to feel okay. Maybe the tears will come again. Maybe we will have bad days. Maybe we won't. Maybe we know that what we did was the best for our little baby girl and that we're okay with that. And that the next baby will be healthy and strong and for that we can't wait. 💜

CONTINUED IN PART THREE