I don’t even know how to feel. What to think...

the story goes back to Last year. I lost my baby on Mother’s Day 2016 and following my miscarriage a few days later my father suffered a heart attack and 2 days following that marked 20 years my mother has been gone. Needless to say I was a mess. Immediately my BF at the time, now fiancé, was very cruel towards me and showed no sympathy, no mercy on me for what I was dealing with. I will spare the details.

Anyhow the next year different life events made things stressful between us and we slowly started fighting over everything. He started drinking a lot and going out, leaving me home with his 6 year old son, to not return many times until mid day the following day. There was even a time I didn’t see him for 24 hours.

There was a point where I drew the line in February and I moved out. By the end of the month I had met an amazing guy that swept me off my feet. And handsome. So handsome. We started seeing each other. My ex had a wake up call and realized what he had done. He started calling and texting. A lot. We were together 3 years and lost 2 babies together. We had a connection. But I was mentally ready to move on as what the past year was like- I could not return to that again.

After a month of seeing this guy I realized I was about 2 weeks late for my period. I didn’t think anything of it much because my period was very irregular as sometimes i would have a 28 days cycle and other times a 40+ day cycle. So I waited it out. One night I went into the convenient store and decided to buy a test. It came back positive.

I immediately thought it was this guys baby. But it could have been my ex’s also. There was no way of knowing. So I went to my new guy and told him what was going on. He immediately requested for an abortion. I let him know right away that was never going to be an option as I DO NOT believe abortions are ok (I respect everyone’s decisions, just my decision is pro life). He was very worried as he was not ready to be a father. And he is a marine. He was temporarily stationed where I live and was going to be headed back to Europe in a couple months. He stuck around for a while and continued to see me but I could tell he was very worried about what had just happened.

A couple weeks later my ex is still messaging and calls by me. He wants me back. He doesn’t know about the baby yet at this point. He current man is over at my place which was a one bedroom apartment, 3rd floor with a glass entry door. So you can see in/out. 2/:am I hear a knocking out n my door. Wtf is that. I ignore and go back to sleep. 2 minutes later I hear it again this time he wakes up and asks what is going on. I say don’t worry about it go back to sleep. I knew who it was. I didn’t want them to see each other although they knew of each other. I go back to bed. 6 am and the knocking returns. My ex slept outside my door all night. My apartment was on the windiest side of the island on the ocean front and at night gets really freaking cold. The moisture mixed with wind gives you chills even though we are in the tropics. He sat there all night. I told my current man to stay in bed while I go out to see what my ex wanted. I go downstairs with him and jump in his car and go for a quick ride. We talk. He pours his heart out to me and cries. Begs me to forgive him and allow him to show me he is a changed man. That he loves me and cherished me and cannot let me go. Held on to my hands and would not let me go through the saddest eyes I have ever seen. I knew he meant it. He never meant it before: he did now.

In the back of my head after all he said was the fact I was carrying one of their babies. And I had no idea who’s. Thank felt slutty and sad at the same time. This is not my life style by any means. I never imagined this in my life. But lo and behold.. I effed up.

My current guy got ready and left for work while I was gone. As soon as he was gone I came back to the house. I sat in the car and thought hard about how I was going to tell my ex. I just let it spill out my mouth like verbal diarrhea.. “I’m pregnant. ...and it’s not yours.” Man if I thought I saw tears before.. I really saw them now. The sadness was real.

But after many nights of thinking things over and meeting my ex and talking things over I decided to give him a fighting chance. He promised to take care of me and the baby. Which he did. I let the other guy go and told him I would have an abortion. He seemed relieved but sad I was letting him go. I told him it wasn’t going to work out as he was going home soon. So we went out separate ways. For a little while I still got messages from him but a couple months later they stopped.

So About a month or so later my ex and I go on a vacation and he proposes to me. So he is now my fiancé. He was there for me my entire pregnancy and helped me labor through the entire birth. But now she’s 2-3 weeks old and it is becoming severely obvious that she is definitely the other mans baby. She has EVERY DAMN FEATURE of his. We decided it would be best to keep this situation quiet and everyone but one person has no idea who’s baby she is. His entire family is in love with her and talks about how she gets this this from him and that from me blah blah. I can’t help but think no no no she isn’t his. And the sadness and reality of it all hits each time it comes up. I just sob. I break down. I love my baby but I can’t help but feel so much shame and guilt and embarrassment I’m waiting for the day someone asks.. why doesn’t she look like anyone in our families..? Because my fiancé is blonde green eyes. I’m brown hair brown eyes.. and baby is sandy hair with bright blue eyes. She has his eyes, nose, lips, chin, ears, nails, feet, legs.. everything. I just feel like a horrible person and I wouldn’t wish her to not ever have been conceived- I just wish she wasn’t conceived by a man that wont be in her life. And now my fiancé is having a hard time with it. Understandably. But it’s making t hard on me now too. Sometimes I just want to run away. Start over and forget it all.

The real father has no idea she is here. My fiancé made me promise to not tell him. As he may ask to have her or do something. Some days I want to talk to him. Show photos of her to him. See what he thinks of his daughter. But then it may ruin his life. He didn’t want her. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. I feel so heartbroken