prepared for the worse

let me start off by saying i want this baby more than anything.

this being my first pregnancy but ttc for 8 months i peed on the stick early, barely 4 weeks when i found out. 2 days after my beautiful bfp i bled for 8 days with blood clots and everything, i went to the er my hcg was 111 the doc tells me to come back in 2 days and see where the hcg is. in order for your baby to be okay id like to see the hcg at 200. well ladies i went back and it was a wopping 429! out of the woods right? ha. wrong. a week or 2 later im hit with the strongest pain ive ever felt. couldnt even walk... dont fret because it was only a little constipation nothing half a gallon of prune juice couldnt help. ever since then it has been a nightmare random spotting and constipation haunt me. im almost 8 weeks now. maybe. because ive started my period "again" heavy bleeding mild cramps mood swings on top of pregnancy mood swings. fun right

i made this post to say ive got my mind set that im miscarrying. sounds bleek and i should be more optimistic because ive already bled for 8 days last month and the baby was fine but i didnt have any pain then. so i havent cancelled my gym membership like i should have when i found out and now im keeping it even longer just in case. im already at peace with the worse possible out come.

ive got my first appointment january 5 so we shall see. im going to RELAX and calm all the way down for the time left until that appointment and put it in Gods hands. please pray for me!