Stuck

I am so over my son’s father. Our son was a surprise to us both great miracle blessing baby he is loved by us both that’s not an issue. The issue at hand is when I got pregnant we were family friends and after I had arson we decided to try and be a family mom story short that did not work so after about six months he moved out got his own place I stayed at my fathers house moving on we had no contact for about three months. Then we decided to work out a parenting plan between the two of us so now we have to see each other about two times a week. So of course feelings any motions don’t just go away but as responsible coparenting adults you are supposed to be able to keep things civil between the two of you. That’s another long story that I’ll keep short so I decided to be weak and gave in and we have been carrying on a sexual relationship for the past few months. And at the very beginning he said leave your feelings at the door let’s just have sex I’ve never been able to do that with any man so I don’t know why I thought it would work with the one man I have the most emotion with. So anyways he’s like let’s have sex I don’t care who else you’re dating and at first I’m like well that’s gross and then we decided OK let’s just have sex with each other and not other people OK that’s completely fine because I haven’t had sex with anyone else since 2015. Another long story short I went through his phone today and saw where he’s been entertaining another female and I’m not OK with it so now everything is coming in to Clearview as I am only a booty call for him we will never be together again his family will never except me again and he has no respect for me and he had the nerve to spend all of Christmas with me he took every advantage he could of acting like we were together but still planning things together and I made a mistake by spending all week of Christmas with him and then find out on the very last day today thatHe’s at his phone and carrying on inappropriateness with other females so it’s over again and it’s so hard because I am very emotionally unstable I have no problem admitting that that’s what hurts so much because he knows it and it’s just liked him as soon as I start getting back on my feet and being able to feel a little normal this happens and I fall right back into the nasty dark pit of depression and despair. They always say put out to the universe would you want to come back to you if you say never about things then they will never happen and one thing that I just cannot see since I was a child I have never been able to see myself with anyone I’m just so full of anxiety and depression I’ve never been able to see anyone being able to be with me ever and I just feel like that’s gonna be my life