3rd pregnancy loss 💔😭

Okay so I had 2 miscarriages in January and July 2017 at around 4 weeks. It was like a normal period. I was broken already after my 2nd mc. We’ve announced to our close family and friends circle for both the times and couldn’t take the pain of telling back to them that we lost our baby. I tried to be strong when my obgyn doc gave me hope that things will be better soon.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone through almost all the tests that I should be taking to find out the root cause of my miscarriages. I’ve been through fallopian anatomy test which was v painful in the month of September. Luckily all is well. Doc said my chances of getting pregnant is higher for the following 2 months post fallopian test. Then we started to conceive again. I conceived in October and this time my HCG and progesterone levels looked great as days passed by. I had an ultrasound in my 6th week. Doc couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat but she said 6 wks could be too early to detect the heartbeat. After a week, on my 7w4d I had my 2nd u/s and still we couldn’t hear the heartbeat. I could no longer feel nauseous from start of my 7th week. So doc asked me not to keep any hopes. But strangely my HCG levels went up in my 7th week. So we had a small hope and doc asked us to wait till the next week. On my 8w3d u/s that was yesterday.. we still couldn’t hear the heartbeat. I was prepared mentally for this as all my pregnancy symptoms started to vanish already. I was devastated completely. I just cannot describe the pain I’m going through. This is the most painful pregnancy loss compared to the first two. Because my previous pregnancies never sustained for more than 4 weeks. So I had my hopes and dreamt of all the beautiful things we could do for our child. I used to write down my feelings in my diary and pen down what I wanted to tell my baby. Now I just deleted all my 5 pregnancy apps and I’m gonna delete Glow as well after I post this. I have no meaning for my life now. My husband is trying his best to get me out of this depression. He is taking me to movies etc but I’m unable to get out of this.

I’m due for my d&c; on January 2 2018 and would wish to see my baby once before they send it to lab for analysis.

My new year is going to be painful already. 💔💔💔😭😭😭😭