Born into heaven

I basically just feel like writing things down will help me cope and maybe get some questions answered so here it goes! On 12/11 I had an appointment for the ultrasound to tell us our babies gender. I woke up that morning with contractions and went to labor and delivery, they almost told me to go home because they won't take you unless you're 20 weeks or more and I was exactly 20 weeks so they took me in and hooked me up to monitor contractions and check the heartbeat. at first they told me the heartbeat was strong (we later found out it was my heartbeat) and were trying to stop me from going into labor but they couldn't see the baby on the small ultrasound machine so they sent me to the ultrasound tech and I knew that it was bad when we could barely see the baby and it wasn't moving, they told me the baby had died and I needed to deliver but that my placenta looked abnormally large and they had never seen that before. they did some more tests and found out I had a placental abruption and my placenta and uterus were filled with blood and that's why we couldn't see the baby very well. they said that they have never seen a placental abruption where the mother didn't have any external bleeding so they checked my blood count and it was at 22 instead of 35 normally. so they gave me a blood transfusion and were going to lifeflight me to another hospital but it was too foggy so they took me by ambulance and performed a d&e; (dilation and evacuation). i was in the hospital for 48 hours before i got to go home. i just don't understand what happened, i didn't have any risk favors for a placental abruption and they keep saying it was a fluke but it doesn't make me feel better knowing something like this could happen again with no explanation.. how do you cope knowing not knowing?? i want to try again soon I'm just so scared. I never got to see or hold our baby and still don't know if it was a boy or girl. i am just feeling very discouraged :/ thanks for reading if you got all the way through this lol