Emotional and depressed

So I lost my son at 5 months on January 27,2016 do to an incompetent cervix it took me to loss my baby boy for the Doctors to find that out. 😢I haven’t had any luck getting pregnant Again. My sister is having a baby shower Saturday and I just can’t seem to get my mind ready for it. I just keep thinking what if? what if my son was here, what if my body would work how it should of. I just keep crying asking god to just help me. I feel like if I don’t go then I’m just a bad sister. She doesn’t understand how bad it hurts. When she got the call to go see what she was having she wanted me to go with her my own mother even told me to go. I guess because I put on this fake happy smile that everything is okay when I’m dying on the inside. 😭😢