Am I being punished ?

So after I had my first baby I got pregnant 🤰🏽 again and my first baby wasn’t even a year old yet, I was so sad and I didn’t want it I cried (I know so selfish and stupid of me.. I regret it with all my heart) couldn’t believe I had gotten pregnant so quick! I had post partum depression and was still getting the hang of mother hood with my 6 month old ... I ended up having a miscarriage the day of my baby’s baptism, I had cramping in my stomach and left to the ER as soon as I got there they were drawing up my blood and I asked to use the Bathroom and as soon as I pulled down my undies It was like a scene from the movie Carrie. Blood everywhere I was in so much pain and so embarrassed that I made a mess all over the br floor. It was so sad and now that I’m trying to have another baby it’s been so hard it’s been 1 year trying and I feel like I’m going into some sort of a depression. If there’s one thing I regret in my life it would be the way I felt about being pregnant again for the 2 time, god gave me a blessing and took it away so quick because he know I didn’t want it.

I blamed myself. I just feel like now that I want my 2nd one I’m being punished.