Forgiveness

*TW*

Forgiveness seems to be a theme that keeps popping up for me. Either I see other people talk about it in one context or another or people talk directly to me about it.

I am unforgiving person. At least according to other people.

When I was 17 I was raped by a boy who had tricked me into believing he was my friend. When he was finished he took pictures of me to use as blackmail. For 3 months he molested me repeatedly and I just numbed myself to it. He threatened to show the naked pictures of me to everyone at school and also that he would kill me if I told anyone or refused to do as he said. I complied for 3 months. For 3 months I was a numb shell of a person just going through the motions but not really there emotionally or mentally.

I won’t go into full detail of what all he did to me, but repeated rape, molestation, stalking, and physical and psychological abuse would be a basic description. Sick and twisted doesn’t go far enough really.

But eventually I hit a point where his threats seemed like an easy thing to deal with than to keep going as I was.

I still remember when I said no to him for the first time since he raped me the first time. He had texted me that morning before school demanding a naked picture of me. When I said no, he threatened to kill me and send the pictures to everyone.

When he realized I genuinely didn’t care anymore, he threatened to kill himself instead. I hated him so much for all of the horrible things he had done to me over those three months that I told him to just go ahead and do it.

It was a very strange feeling. To prefer being killed over living the way I currently was. As sick and violent as he had been toward me, I really thought he would do it. But I was at peace about it. I felt more free than I ever had. He had no more control over me.

I went to school that day and about half way through the day I found out he had overdosed on pills of some kind. He survived, there was never any proof he actually overdosed or went to a hospital. Just his word and him not being at school for a day. But everyone believed him.

I had to sit and listen to all of these people talk about how sorry they felt for him. How they should be nicer to him from now on. Bullshit like that.

I was still so numb, I couldn’t care.

Years later, when I finally felt up to talking about what really happened to a few people. I was given a lot of advise from people who had never been through what I had.

Well meaning people told me that I should try to forgive him. That forgiving him would help me heal from what he did to me.

I know they mean well. Especially the ones who get the idea from their religion. But, I wish they would really think about what they are telling me to do.

Maybe forgiveness does help some victims heal. Forgiving their rapists and abusers frees them somehow, I guess. I think that’s great for them. But, that doesn’t work for everyone.

I can’t forgive him for what he did to me. The things he did and made me do cannot be forgiven.

There are reminders of him everywhere for me. I have scars on my body from him. He carved his name on my stomach and those letters are still there in raised scar tissue. Other marks where he burned me, cut me... all still there.

I can’t forgive that. I don’t want to.

There is one person that I can forgive though.

I can and do forgive myself.

I forgive myself for being weak. I forgive myself for giving him control. I forgive myself for being afraid. And I forgive myself for stooping to his level when I told him to go ahead with it when he threatened suicide.

I forgive myself and I am free.