Finding myself

Let me just start off by saying that I grew up in foster care. When I got adopted it was by a very religious family. They were the type of people who went to church every time the doors were open and we only wore skirts. I was 15 at the time, and while I had some religious qualities, I never was extreme about it. The family who adopted my brother and I were VERY controlling and nothing about the experience was good for me.

Once I found a job my now husband and I started talking. He is quite a bit older than me but he is also a very wonderful person and man (Even though we have our moments).

Long story short I moved in at 18 and married him as well. My issue now is I don’t feel like I know who I am without someone being there and telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.

This is completely and 100% my fault and now I don’t know what to do. I love him but I feel like I am missing out on getting to know myself and be myself. I feel empty even though he gives me all the love and support he can. I feel like I am not only short changing myself but also him by not being able to be what he deserves in a wife.

Lately I’ve been fantasizing about loading up an RV and hitting the road by myself for a while. There is a job I can get on the computer that will more than cover the expenses. But the only thing holding me back is that I love him and if I do this he will definitely not want to be with me. I tried to talk to him about it before and say I’m not going to go off and get in bed with other people but I want to see the world and take the time to really get to know myself so I can be a better me. Not only for myself but also for him. When I explained this he said the moment I walk out that door it’s over.

So if anyone has some good advice or any ideas I am open to them. Not knowing who I am has really made me question my relationship and has almost pushed me to the point of divorce. Any advice would be appreciated!!

Thanks for reading all this