I think I disappointed him...

Disclaimer: I have suicidal thoughts and self harm, my SO knows this

Also I only have his Snapchat and I can't take screen shots

Last night I told my SO that I've

been feeling alone. He said "I'm right here". The thing is, I haven't seen him since September, we only text, and even then he disappears randomly for work or class. I told him "I mean alone, unwanted, like every one would be better if I wasn't here"

And he said "I'm with you, I wanna marry you, I wanna live with you forever"

And the conversation continues and ends with me saying "thank you" cause he made me feel better.

You know what he says? "Okay"

So I'm now thinking 'oh shit I've done something' so I say "okay"

Then he says "I'm going to bed after I play" (masturbate)

"Okay"

"Want to help or no?"

"Not rn... I'm sorry..."

"Okay"

"Have fun playing.."

"I stopped"

Why?"

"Idk"

"Im sorry.."

"Okay"

"I'm going to bed now....night.."

"Goodnight"

And that was the end of it. I feel like my depression is an inconvenience to him, so I never say anything, and when I do, he puts a little effort in, then gives up. I don't feel any better after talking to him, I intact feel worse. And I think the worse thing is we are in DDLG, and he's my daddy, he's supposed to make me feel safe, feel like I can come to him, but I can't.