Before anything, I love my son more than anything. That goes without saying. Second, I do realize I have some PPD/PPA.

My son is 4 months old. I’m an older (ish) mom (35) but currently the baby and I live with my parents. My husband works out of town Sunday night to Friday night, so living with my parents is the only help I have all week. I got pregnant knowing my husband would not be able to help during the week, but I assumed he’d help on the weekends. He loves our son, and he does do nights with him on Fridays and Saturdays so I can sleep. I am thankful for that.

However...on Friday night, he plays with the baby a little, changes a diaper or two, feeds him a bottle or two, and then plays on his phone. I end up rocking the baby to sleep and changing any poopy diapers, getting everything ready (bottles, humidifier, jammies on, etc) for the night. On Saturday mornings/afternoons, he disappears for hours. I realize he has errands to run. I realize he works all week and needs a break. But so do I, and he should be wanting to spend more time with our son. And me! On Sundays, he’s around for a little. We often go to his parents’ house where his mom drives me insane by being loud and pushy with the baby, and my husband plays on the iPad. He barely holds him, pushes the baby off on his mom to be changed or fed (which I don’t like so I end up doing it), and then he has to leave town again by the evening.

I know I’m the mom. I dress, change, and feed the baby all week long. When the baby sleeps, I clean up, wash and fill bottles, do laundry, and pump. By the time I do that, he’s awake. I am out of work for a year to be with our son but I’m also in school so I have coursework to do that I haven’t even touched because I don’t have time. A lot of days I don’t even get to shower. My son is a very difficult baby and cries much of the day, due to reflux, gas, and probably colic, and he doesn’t sleep well. He wants to be carried around all day long. I’m not having a pity party, and I knew what I was getting myself into, but I’m losing it. Now my parents are sick, so they can’t help with the baby either, so I have no break at all. Maybe that’s normal, but I feel like I’m losing myself completely. We don’t get out much because it’s winter and very cold where I live, so most times, we are indoors at home, and I feel like I’m going a little crazy.

Today, while my husband was MIA, the baby wouldn’t stop crying and I had to lay him down and walk away. I feel like a terrible mother. I cried while I washed and filled his bottles and he cried for about five minutes until he fell asleep. I feel like he can feel my stress and anxiety but I don’t know how to relax because I just feel so much pressure. Again, not a pity party, and maybe this is normal, but I really just wanted to do better for my baby.