Only one?

Elizabeth • Elizabeth, 26. TTC baby #1 for 5 years now. Two losses, 11.30.11 @ 7 weeks, and 11.28.12 @ 16 weeks.
Have had bilateral breast tenderness pretty consistently since ovulation, but tonight only the right is tender. Super strange. 9DPO. Checked cervix before my bubble bath and it was high, soft and somewhat open. Not really an avid cervix checker, but thought I would just for sh*ts and giggles. Still having my left lower cramping/full feeling. Honestly at this moment in time, I'm giving up on the hope that I'll have a February 2016 rainbow baby. For that matter, I'm giving up on the dream that I'll ever be a mother to a living child. Four years TTC, two losses, and it's seeming damn near impossible. There is something monumentally discouraging about having difficulty achieving one of the most natural things a woman should be able to do. So many emotions surfacing tonight. Broke down and poured myself a glass of wine. It's probably the PMS getting to me, but I'm a mess of emotions.