My Husband Is a Porn Addict.

LONG POST! Before I begin this, I want to say we have talked. Over and over. He has heard how I feel he doesn’t listen. He tells me everything is fine, tells me it’s just my anxiety talking. He isn’t even trying to put in a side of the conversation. And, before you say “just leave”, remember it isn’t always that simple. I have nowhere safe to go. His parents have offered their place but I think that’s a better place for him than me, and my parents house has no room.

Anyway, My husband has battled with a porn addiction for years. He has never hid it from me. He’s been through counseling not once but twice and has done really good with it afterwards. But recently, it’s back. It’s back and it’s crippling. It’s out of control and worse than ever. I told him I can’t handle it a third time because it makes him lack emotional support and turns him into someone he isn’t. This time, as compared to last time, we have kids. We have a daughter and I am pregnant. I found him talking sexually to another woman from his phone the other night. I confronted him and he denied it. I even told him almost word for word what I remember the messages saying and he still denied it.

My husband tells me all the time I need to get a job. He constantly Snapchats other women. When he comes home from work, he sits on the couch and watches tv and snapchats like he doesn’t even care to hide it anymore. In fact one of the women he snaps is one of my ex best friends. And I know he’s always had a crush on her. I’ve told him I don’t think it’s appropriate and he said “she is my friend too and you just need to get over the fact that she & you don’t get along anymore”. (She has a history of cheating with other men, so why would I let it go?) Meanwhile, I cook. I clean. I take care of our daughter. I wash and fold the laundry. All by myself and he doesn’t even offer to help. I’ve cried myself to sleep right next to him and he’s never known. I tell myself constantly I want a divorce and that I need to leave, but I have nowhere to go and no money to get a place. We share a car and he gets it everyday unless I have somewhere to be, then I take him to work, and he doesn’t like that anymore when he used to not care.

I try to tell him I hate how much he snapchats and he tells me he deserves to have his friends too. Thing is - they aren’t even his real friends. They’re random girls from the Internet that he doesn’t personally know. He doesn’t even talk to his friends anymore and even they ask me if he’s okay. I lie and tell them he works a lot right now and doesn’t get much chance to sit and talk anymore. We both know that isn’t true. He doesn’t say good morning, he says “get your butt up”. He doesn’t kiss me goodnight. He doesn’t help me around the house. The phone is glued to his hands. I can’t even get him to change a diaper. He won’t eat what I cook anymore with me or even on his own. I try and give him a hug or rub his back and he turns from me. I can’t even tell you the last time he complemented my appearance or made me feel attractive. He compares me to other women and makes comments like “she’s so hot” about girls on tv. If I say I love you he says “I know”. He has paid another girl for nudes before. He tells me I look lazy because I wear yoga pants when I’m at home all day. He tells me I don’t even try to look good when I put my hair up in ponytail. But when I do curl my hair, do full on makeup, he never comments on that either so why do I bother? I look in the mirror and feel so unattractive that sometimes it hurts. I don’t feel beautiful at all.

The other day he straight up confessed to me that he doesn’t think we’d still be married if it weren’t for our daughter and me being pregnant. He asked me what would happen if our daughter had step parents one day. It killed me emotionally and I cried. Hard. He told me that I can’t “let my anxiety get to me” because I’ll just go kill myself, and that what he’s saying I know is true and sometimes the truth hurts. He told me if I ever get depressed he will take our daughter and leave. I told him I don’t want this to be happening anymore and that we need to figure it out before it’s too late and he says “well at least I’m not cheating on you again. I’m surprised you haven’t cheated on me yet”, almost like he’s encouraging me to go find another man so we could end this the “easy way” and blame infidelity on both parts. We don’t have any other marriage breaking problems besides his porn addiction and to be honest - it’s only really bad when he’s really heavy into it.

I think the worst part of all is that he doesn’t talk to me for hours, but will still grab my butt or my boobs and make sexual comments and expect me to be there in the physical department. If I say no he will harass me and taunt me until I give in. If I don’t give in he storms off and goes to the bathroom to proceed with his screen instead, and then ignores me the rest of the night and sleeps on the couch. Why the hell would I want to have any intimate relationship with him when he’s a complete jerk? He wants to get it on at least 5-6 a week, but mentions it daily. He says I must not be attracted to him anymore but that couldn’t be further than the truth. I think it’s the other way around. I want to go back to school and he told me there is no point. I told him I’d love to start selling the home decor and things I sew and I told me that’s not a good idea. He doesn’t support my ideas whatsoever, so why would I give into him?

We’ve been to his parents for advice, our church leaders for help. He lies to both of them and says it isn’t an issue and that our problems aren’t this serious. I’ve brought up marriage counseling and he said he’s doesn’t have time for it. We went out to dinner alone the other night and he hardly talked to me. When I couldn’t decide between two different meals he rolled his eyes and said “well you only get one so choose something”. He got up to go to the bathroom 2-3 times and I’m sure it was to Snapchat someone he thinks makes him happy. I’m worried that it’s too late to save our marriage. We’re both very happy when he’s not under the influence of porn. He is my best friend and an amazing person - when he’s not struggling. But where this is the 3rd time I am terrified that it’s too late. I cry way more than any married woman should but I can’t help that this breaks me. I am terrified to be having a new baby in 3 short months because I don’t even know if him & I will be together. He has chosen his addiction over his family and I don’t know what to do anymore. His parents have made comments recently about his behavior and I have lied to them and said he is tired, in a mood, etc. but I can’t lie to them forever. I’m not perfect by any means but I’m not going to be a liar. I can’t do this alone and neither can he.