I never thought this would be me...

We got our BFP on 1/29/2018 and were beyond happy. We have been trying religiously for 6 months to conceive. We told all of our closest family because...why wouldn't we? We were excited! We did not tell my (almost) 5 year old daughter who desperately wants a baby too.

Well, thank god we didn't because Monday night (2/5) I began lightly spotting. I was terrified but it was a little pink discharge and seemed to go away. I woke up early for work on Tuesday and upon starting to brew some coffee, I began heavy bleeding. There was no denying that feeling. I threw a pad on, woke up my boyfriend and headed for the emergency room (my daughter was with her bio dad Luckilly). There we sat for hours as I told the same story over and over again. I kept bleeding heavily and then came the terrible cramping. They drew blood, did a vaginal ultrasound and all. I was terrified and an emotional mess. Thank god I had my boyfriend by my side trying to comfort me and make me laugh, even though I know he was just as scared as I was. I knew it in my heart but I couldn't say it. I had seen enough clots to know this wasn't going to be a positive outcome. Finally my OBGYN came in the room and told me in very few words "I am so sorry, you have had a completed miscarriage." And as I sat there numb and pouring tears, I just wanted to fade away. This can't be real. This cant be happening to me...well it was. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I have spent the last 2 days crying and mourning our loss. Everything that I had hoped for was ripped from me in those moments.

I'm thankful that we never told my daughter because I can't imagine trying to explain this to her. We have already untold everyone that knew, and I go back to work tomorrow.

I just feel heartbroken and alone...scared and I just want my baby back.

Wish us luck in the next few months, we will be trying again.