I went to inpatient

I just want all you awesome ladies out there to know that it’s okay. I finally “gave in” and after having a suicidal meltdown where I beat myself with a whip for 2 hours and then sat holding the plastic bag in my hand for a minute.I decided I didn’t want to do this anymore. I always tell myself during my meltdowns to go to sleep and if I want to do it when I wake up I can consider it. The thing is I never have wanted to do it when I wake up and then I pretend I’m okay. I woke up this time, hating myself, and while I wasn’t suicidal I wanted to die. And I decided to go in. I self admitted to the hospital. And it didn’t totally suck.

It sucked a little. It was boring towards the end there. But like, I was able to sleep all day and I didn’t feel guilty because I was locked up so I couldn’t go to work if I wanted to. And then I got medications that actually worked. Like I’m feeling so much better. When I get sad now or mess up, rather than breaking down, I am able to think it through and forgive myself and move on.

And I met so many people who were like me. And I talked to therapists who finally got through to me. I can’t get better for anyone but myself. When I do something it shouldn’t be to please others. It should be for me. And I knew that before but now I feel it.

This all happened and I went to a not so great hospital. The nurses are striking and they are severely understaffed, but it still helped.

And I write all of this because I want you to know that going in isn’t giving up. Going in isn’t failure. Going in is a way to actually get better. And I’m not perfect. I’m not even close to being completely okay. I probably will always have problems with self esteem and with focusing and all of that. But I believe in myself and I believe I can get to a place where I am content with myself.

And I believe you can, too. You aren’t alone. You don’t suck. You aren’t an awful person. You are just sick. And you can get help to get to feeling better. And it will maybe flare up and it will maybe never truly go away but you can find joy and purpose. You can find the real truth. It might take lots of trying. It may take months and many trial medications. But you can do this. And you are worth it. Never forget that.