*TRIGGGGGEEER WARNING* I think I need to see a therapist

Massive trigger warning; sexual abuse...

I want this to be on a non so I hope it’s okay but I can use all the advice and support I can get.

P.s this will be long and probably all over the place.

The last couple years I’ve been getting random flashbacks & I get panicky when I have them.

I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll start from the beginning. When I was around 6 or 7 years old. I am now 20 years old.

I have 2 abusers. One of them was a one time thing but the flashback of it haunts me still. The second, lasted years. #1 is gonna go by ‘T’ and #2 is gonna go by ‘E’

T is my second cousin, older, way older. Here’s my flashback from what I do remember (bits and pieces)

•we were in the room playing the Xbox (or whatever it was called years ago) I don’t remember how we ended up in the closet, but we did. It was dark, and he was next to me.. “shh, or I’ll tell your mom” and it blacks out again. I cannot figure out why I can’t figure this out! I’m trying so hard to remember because shouldn’t a person remember what happened to them?? Why do I randomly get these flashbacks of this? Why do I feel so scared when I get these????

E (this is gonna be a long one) this ones been haunting me for a while.

E, my cousin, grew up close. My mom and his mom are fav sisters. This is gonna get tough to read & type.

Please remember the trigger warning ⚠️

E’s father is in prison, for the past 14 years, for raping E’s sisters. E is the youngest of 3. Since I can remember mine and E’s relationship (and his sisters) has been super close. But again, E was also my abuser, for years. He’d always grope me, touch me & god forbid I told him “no, don’t do that” “I don’t like it” he would do it anyways. Always wanting “to see”. He would hate when I was in a ‘relationship’ he told me he was “in love” with me at one point. I never ever said it back. I remember specifically one night; E wanted me to go over to his bed (same room) and lay with him, I said no. He said “well I’ll just go over there and ‘R’ you” and I said back “so what? You’re gonna turn into your dad now?” He never did do that though but he still said it.

I guess every time he got mad I would give in and let him feel.. why???????

This is hard for me because I get stuck between, was it even abuse if I let it happen just to make him happy or not? I would go home feeling gross & dsgusting. I knew it was wrong. Why didn’t I say anything?

I look back now and am in pure disgust with myself. I knew it was wrong. But I ended up telling my boyfriend what happened to me with E and he told his mom because he cared & she told my mom, when I told them I let it happen sometimes they just brushed it off like it was nothing. But it was something, and now it’s becoming everything because I can’t sleep at night. I need to talk to someone.

Basically, I don’t know what to do because I feel like it was my fault.

*the end*

I hope at least one person read this whole thing. I’m so sorry it’s long. If you read it all just know I love you and I appreciate you taking the time. I’m just figuring it all out within myself.