*trigger warning*

(Very long post and contains some very sensitive topics)

In 2016, I dated this guy. He wasn’t exactly the best. He liked to call me names and just constantly put me down for no good reason.

We went on a date one time and he decided to start doing stuff to me. He (without my consent) would start to rub my private area and at one point started to finger me. I was forced to like it. He forced my head into his private area, almost making me suck his... you know. He tried to do oral on me but I quickly made up an excuse just so I wouldn’t go through that again. He ended up cheating on me after 8 months into our relationship and one month was spent cheating on me and him pretending to love me

In 2017, I dated another guy. He wasn’t the best either. He would yell at me and call me names. We kept on breaking up and getting back together. What I didn’t know was every time I dated him, he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend who may I add, liked to bully me on social media. He always talked about how he was going to make me suck his.. you know and how he would try and have s*x with me. Again, if I said I didn’t want to do so, he would get angry or upset with me and told me he was going to kill himself.

It has been 1-2 years and I’m now in a non-toxic relationship and really happy but I’m scared to do any sexual activity with him. I want to and I have tried but all I receive is flashbacks and I can no longer do anything.

Those 2 relationships have traumatised me and I have to live with having flashbacks to those times almost daily. I have now lived with depression for 3-4 years and I hate it. I can never get better. Every time I try to get better, i just get brought back down again...

I don’t think I can live with myself anymore. I feel dirty after having been sexually harassed and not being asked for my consent. I have been bullied all my life and I just feel like I cannot live anymore with myself...