Between losing my baby and getting strong positives after 4 weeks and 4 days you can definitely go crazy 😭.

Last night I had a dream that I was in fact pregnant again but that this time around there was a little protection cup that prevents miscarriages. Wouldn’t that just be wonderful?

I had my first loss when I was 14 years old I’m 28 now with three healthy babies. Back then and until now that loss has hurt but it didn’t hurt as much as this one. My first loss was unwanted by everyone but me. I was happy and never scared even when I was so young. There’s one thing I never doubted in life and that’s being a mother. I’ve always known in my heart that I was born to be one.

All my pregnancies have been with my husband. We’ve known each other over 20 years now. I was 8 when we became neighbors. He has seen how much my emotions have changed in this past month alone after losing our now 5th baby. At first he just wouldn’t understand me. He knew about our first loss. He just didn’t know at the hand of who I lost that baby to...

On Valentine’s Day I couldn’t take it anymore. I had kept this secret from my husband for almost 15 years. I had been crying uncontrollably all day and i found the strength and courage to finally tell him what happened to our very first baby 😭...

During our dinner I laid it out...

So, when I was 14 my mother had already moved me about 800 miles away from my now husband. She remarried and her husband relocated out entire family. Few months after moving my husband came to visit me during summer break. While he was there my mother suddenly left and didn’t say where she was going. 6 hours later she called and asked to speak with me. Her first words were “ I know you’re fucking pregnant and to prevent killing that son of bitch I drove back to California. I need you to catch the first bus here now!” I was in shock. I had no clue I was pregnant it had been months since I had my period but I didn’t pay that any mind but my mom sure as hell did.

As soon as she hung up my in laws called. They wanted to speak to their son. He got on the phone and they told him that my mom had gone over to give them the news.

They’re first response was to tell him to tell me to have an abortion. When he told me that I was pissed and I told him if he wasn’t ready that he could walk out the door and never come back.

He didn’t walk out and he hugged me and immediately apologized. At that point we knew it was us against the world but we would do anything for our baby since we were irresponsible enough to make it.

It all happened so fast. After that conversation 6 hours later I was in California myself. As soon as I got there I felt like I was attacked left and right. My mom took me to the doctor to confirm her suspicions. Sure enough I was 11 weeks pregnant. She took the pregnancy docs to my in laws and they were just not happy at all.

After a few hours my mother in law came over with herbs and said “Here make a tea and drink it. If you have a missed period you’ll bleed immediately but if you’re pregnant you won’t.”

My mom didn’t believe that bullshit for a second and kicked her out of our house.( At that time my mom still owned the house where I met my husband) Immediately after my mother in law walked out the door my mom grabbed by my arm and said to me “ The hell will you have anything to do with that Family or that SOB that got you pregnant Im taking your ass to get an abortion. It’s not your choice it’s mine as your mother and guardian.” Well her crazy ass sure hell took me as I cried and begged for her not to do that to me she did it.

I begged the doctor not to kill my baby and he just ignored me. I cried the whole time I laid in that cold bed. The nurses told me that because I was just a child myself I didn’t have a choice and the final say so was my mothers. 😭

By far that was the saddest day of my life. As we walked out of the abortion clinic my mom said to me “ Don’t ever tell Karl what you did if not he’ll stop loving you and hate your for the rest of your life.” (Karl is my now husband.) Well I took those words to heart. I never told him until now...

He was so loving and supportive. He understood exactly what had happened and said that he forgave my mom for doing such horrible act. As a father he put himself in her shoes and just understood that we were both too young then to be parents.

Needless to say I was pregnant with my son at 15 so that didn’t stop anything. We were still teen parents and we’re doing an amazing freaking job raising our babies. We’ve done it alone since day one.

He finally understood why this recent loss hurt so much. This pregnancy everyone was happy about. Everyone rejoiced at the thought of us having our 4th live baby. We were all making plans as a family. And suddenly 2 weeks after telling them I lost our precious angel. 😭

I’ve been so confused. Specially since I didn’t give my body and mind time to heal. As soon as I stopped bleeding we went back at it. So now I’m in this I don’t know boat. Could I be pregnant again. Is it just residual HCG? Could be implantation bleeding when I spot it could be signs of my period? Fuckkkkk I’m going crazy !

I’ll leave it all in God’s hands 🙏