Hi folks. I’m in need of some advice on a pretty sensitive topic, I’m not even sure where it belongs. I’m hoping someone can help and give some insight. Forwarded: This will be a long post.

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant. While I expected to be excited and ecstatic, I’m kinda not. Mostly just... logically preparing? I get excited when I can talk about it with loved ones, but it’s not often. I live half a country away from all of my family and closest friends except 1. And there are complications with that.

Backstory: my friend, one of my absolute longest and closest, has been trying for years to get pregnant, and was eventually told that she had a very low chance of getting pregnant. She was heartbroken over it. Over time, she accepted it, to some degree, but would still have many bouts of being depressed about it, mourning it, and even being bitter to others about it. I tried to be supportive as much as I could, trying to take cues from her on what kind of support she needed. Just sit there, make her laugh, use sarcasm, point out the benefits of being a DINK (when she was in this line of thinking). I didn’t know how to respond to the extreme bitterness - when she stated that others didn’t deserve their children. I felt like that was a dangerous road. And it made me afraid of when or if I became pregnant (at the time I had no intentions of getting pregnant anytime soon). Would she hate me? Would our so-close friendship change? Not only was she one of the few people I would want to share it with, she was one of the very few people I would feel comfortable sharing all my fears, the ups and downs with. We had done so through our whole lives. Also, a little selfishly, she is the only truly close person, aside from my husband, who I am so close with who is also in the same city. We are family, and each other’s support. But at the same time I knew when it happened, it wouldn’t be a magical time for us.

Fast forward, my husband and I start trying for a baby. At 6 mos we get a referral to the clinic. Her and I talk throughout like nothing has changed between us. Months pass, no baby. Then, a miracle. My friend gets pregnant. I get a late night text, my husband and I were so happy for them! We were still trying, and with any luck we’d be on the same journey. 6 weeks. She starts bleeding, but finds out there’s still a heart beat, but low. She’s hopeful, but not expecting it to last. We talk about it. The approach we take is more factual (her request), because it’s easier to deal with that way. No sugar coating. Deep breaths and just... holding hands and getting her through it. She’s had this happen when they had tried years before so she’s also trying to be “practical”. She miscarries but it takes an extra 3 weeks to complete. The heartbreak is no easier, but she does... come back from it faster. A couple of months later, I’m pregnant, after a year. I’m excited, but hesitant to tell her. I hem and haw, and ultimately decide to call, as I’m not sure if she’d be more upset that I didn’t tell her right away or upset to find out. I know she’s with her husband, and it’s a short conversation. I apologize after because I felt I was being insensitive. She says there was nothing to it, she was happy and sad, but ultimately no issues.

During my first trimester, I cramp and spot every week. I’m certain I’m going to miscarry as every spot looks like my pre-menstrual signs. I mentally prepare myself every week to lose the baby that week. I’ve already been nagged about all the things taboo in pregnancy and I’m fearful, irritated and frustrated. I don’t talk much about it with my friend, aside from telling her there’s still cramping and spotting when she asks, but very little else. I don’t want to... “rub it in” At some point I try to relax, and getting hair done. I’ve the ok from the dr, the info I’ve received says it’s fine, and I go to a reputable well-ventilated salon. I feel really good after. I send photos to the handful of people that know. She immediately question me on it. Whenever we have different points, I remain factual, being up the science. Additionally, because I’m frustrated I’m defensive, and it comes through and I’m saying how ridiculous and contradictory the do’s and Don’t’s of pregnancy are. Ie: I had heard that drinking wine was fine on occasion, but everyone was losing it about hair colour. She brings up what she was told while she was pregnant. And I think she thinks I’m coming after her, but I state it just in general, not directed at her at all. She says she had thought I may had had a preggo-hormones episode, also that she has PMS, is super hormonal and is just going to lay low for a bit and she’s msg in a day or two. I respond with ok, let me know when you’re feeling better. I suddenly realize just at that point that we’ve talked too much about it, she’s probably struggling from her own experience, plus if she’s having PMS, it’s not making it easier. I’ve over stepped and I need to give her space. So I do. I wait. I don’t know how to talk about it that won’t make it worse, so I wait until she’s ready. And after a day or two, we’re back to normal. From here on out I avoid talking about the pregnancy unless questioned or in very general terms. I don’t show her the sonograms, I don’t talk about the movements, the changes, nothing. I wait until she wants to know.

A couple of weeks ago, she’s on a podcast, and reiterates a portion of this story. The part where I say “ok, let me know when your better”. She’s changed the rest. She spoke about how she had been struggling so much more (than I had realized at the time) and she needed to take a break. And that was the response she had received. I was ... stunned. On one hand I felt so so guilty. I hadn’t done enough to be there for her, And at the same time, how could I, when I was part of the reason she was hurting so much. On the other hand, I was incredibly hurt. I would never have tossed aside her feelings like that had we had that discussion as she portrayed it. I felt guilty that i hadn’t seen it sooner, and hurt that she would ... lie, as I see it, about what happened. And then again, these are her feelings and she’s struggling, how can I be upset with her when what she’s going through is so so horrible. More guilt.

I’m just at a crossroads with my emotions. I want to support and be there for her as much as I can. It kills me to think and know how much she hurts, and to know I add to it. I’m trying to be there, and be understanding. But at the same time, I’m hurt by her actions. (And begin again the cycle of guilt).

This may just be a massive vent. But if anyone can help me sift through the emotions of this, I can’t tell you how much I’d appreciate it. Im told so often that pregnancy is a joyous time or to find the joy in it. But more often than not.... I feel I just can’t.