Me and my boyfriend broke up

Its been about a month now since we broke up. And I thought I was fine till he texted me and called me all these rude names. And now all I catch myself doing is thinking and remembering how amazing it was with him. But whenever I think about those memories I keep thinking about the good times not what happened afterwards when things would get nasty. He would call me ugly and things like that. He was a total asshole. This isn’t my first break up but it feels so much different than my other ones. I’m still a virgin and I wanted to have sex with him but every time we “tried” to have sex it would go wrong. I have been sexually abused and harassed throughout my life and he knew that but never cared. And tbh I just want to have hot sex w someone and have fun without having to worry if they are going to treat me like shit and not give a single fuck about me. Idek what this rant is about but it’s like 1:00am and I’m not even tired lol. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do about having sex or knowing when I’m most comfortable cuz I don’t have a mom in my life or anyone to ask so yea thank you sm for anyone who answers❤️😂