Sweet Little Surprise (Long sorry)

April 2017 I found out that I was preg with my first. So much anxiety and happiness ran through my head. My fiance was over the moon. We had been trying over a year before this happened. I went for my first TV at week 7. I saw a heartbeat but little one was measuring at 5 weeks. The doc pestered me that maybe I just got my period dates and ov wrong. Absolutely impossible. My period starts the exact time it should every month plus I use a period app. She did not seem too concerned and scheduled me for my next appt at week 11. A few weeks had gone by after going south to visit my future in laws and telling them the news. Everything seemed great. Maybe a week after I came back(This was July 11-13th) I noticed I had a little gush of liquid come out while I was laying down. I didn't pay it much attention, I thought it could have been normal. That night I saw it. Blood. I read that sometimes you can have a late bleed and I kind of marked it off as that. The next day however I was still wiping blood but not enough to have a freak out about. That's when after work I was suffering from severe cramps and that seemed to come and go. I told my fiance and I said if I wake up with anymore blood I'm goinig to the ER. That night I had the worst dream that I loss my mother somehow. I couldnt shake it. The next morning (12th) killed a piece of me. I decided to call uber just to take me down the street to my ER. Luckily it is apart of the bigger hospital that I use for everything anyway so my records were already on file about my pregnancy. I called my parents and fiance and told them what was happening and they all came. The docs ran some tests and wanted to get me into an emergency ultrasound. I was terrified. The first thing they told me was my HcG levels weren't where they should be. Thats when they took me back in the US room and I found out my little one did not have a heartbeat. In fact LO stopped growing at 7-8 weeks (while I was already 10 weeks at this point). At this point I am mess and so is my family. They looked inside and saw I was still closed up though, which they took it as a threatened miscarriage. It was only so much time. They sent me home and I became severely depressed. I didn't do anything but sleep. The next day the 13th was the end.  I had so much cramping I could barely walk. I went back to the ER and my fiance actually just stayed home with me that day so he came along with me. I sent me right back without any wait. I again had a lot of coming and going with the cramps. I never knew that sometimes during miscarriages women actually have contractions and that's exactly what it felt like. I was in so much pain I threw up. They finally gave me a lot of pain meds and I was able to ease down and all the blood starting to flow. I secretly wrapped what I thought was my baby took it home(tmi sorry).  I got prescribed more pain meds And some medicine to help expel the remains. I went home sad. The first thing I did was make a memorial box for the baby. I beat myself up so much. I blamed my OBGYN for not seeing this sooner when she saw the baby wasn't measuring where it should be. I blamed myself for not seeing the signs and going right away when I saw blood the first time. The ER docs said there was nothing that could have been done no matter how early I went in. That early in pregnancy it could have been a problem with the brain spine or heart. That still didn't make me feel better though. Months went by of TTC again and nothing. I thought it was a once in a lifetime thing. My LO was due Feb 2nd 2018. The date was coming up and I was becoming more depressed as it drew closer. Suddenly I looked on the calendar and realized I'm a day late for my period. That wasn't like me. I went out and got a preg test and sure enough I found out I was pregnant! The last week of Jan I went to my doc to confirm and yup I was 5 weeks! This week, Feb 22nd, I went in for my first ultrasound and the baby measured exactly where it should be with a heartbeat of 174!! I cried so hard and got to see my LO wiggle and move on the screen

.I honestly feel I had my little angel in heaven blessed me with another chance. I thanked my angel baby on their supposed birth day instead of being overly depressed. The things I learned were:

1. Trust your body and yourself. If you feel something isn't right then it probably is not.

2. You might need a second opinion. Soemtimes I trust my doctors but reassurance, especially when you are caring for life inside of you is important.

3. Don't be afraid to speak up. If you have questions or concerns say So!

4. It's NOT your fault. pregnancy is such a crazy time for your body. If something goes wrong, don't automatically blame yourself. This one is easier said than done however at least try to remember.