To you... the man who has ruined my life.

I tried to do right by the law this time. It didn’t matter.

I was raped & molested as a kid before hitting puberty by my brother. My parents hid it under a rug so they can stay a “perfect godly family” to the public eye.

I was passed out and raped at college.. I now have a 6 year old son because of that. My mother told me it was my fault because I was drinking.

I rented a room off of an older male landlord when I was 21. When he tried to come onto me I told him I’d never touch him. Later that day he drugged my drink.. I only remember what I woke up to but I hope he only molested me. I went to the police that time; but the next day I was packed up and moving away, didn’t talk to any of the police again so I feel like it was my fault nothing became of that.

Then at the age of 25, in June 2017; I ran into a group of guys I use to party with during the fall of 2016. I had even crashed at their moms house before, wasted, without incident. So I went out with them again. Went back to the moms house to sleep on the futon. That morning the 24yr old guy, (I’ll call him D) I was closest to in the group came onto me. It didn’t matter to him that I told him no countless times, that I didn’t want to have sex, that I pushed him away and tried to fight back. D told me that “it’s too late for that” or that after he ripped off the blankets I “shldnt be in my underwear if I didn’t want it”. He didn’t care after he finally penetrated me and I told him he was hurting me.

I went to the police. It took almost all day. During the following month I went back to my doctor & therapist and got higher dosing in my depression, anxiety & ptsd meds.

Because of you I drank constantly, blacking out the memories. Because of you I have scars on my body from trying to end my life.

Because of you I got into bodybuilding. I wanted to be strong. I had trained MMA before, I even had a concealed carrying permit.. but it didn’t matter when I was too weak to do a damn thing to you.

Bodybuilding led me to quit drinking & attempting suicide. I even just got to the point 3 weeks ago where I quit taking my meds.

Then yesterday I got a reply back from the detective... the county prosecutor decided to not take your case to trial. I left work for an hour to come home and scream & cry. It’s not fair you get to walk around free with no care... while I am fucked up the rest of my life. It’s not fair the hell I have gone through and am still living.. while you are carefree.

To my rapist... this time I’m not giving up. I’m fighting it. I will exhausted every single possible damn corner to make you pay. I’m getting my lawyer and coming for you. You WILL NOT be allowed to have NOTHING done to you by the law after the hell you have forced me to live in.

I hate you. I wish you were dead. Since I can’t kill you myself without going to jail (trust me it’s played in my mind a lot). I will do my best to get your ass in jail. Hopefully you will be raped in jail and maybe even killed. That wld be nice