I want to cry..

*Long Story* When my boyfriend and I started dating we knew we wanted kids. For a year we tried until I finally gave up actively trying. I immediately got pregnant after that , but it was short lived because it was a chemical pregnancy. The cycle after that, I got pregnant again and at my 13 week check up in December, they found that the baby stopped growing and there was no longer a heart beat. I took medicine to flush out my uterus and it lasted for 2 weeks and it was extremely painful. I have a 4 year old and child birth with her was so easy and less painful than that miscarriage. 2 cycles after that miscarriage I was late for my period by 2 weeks but didn’t think anything of it. I started bleeding really heavy and with a lot of pain. I went in for blood work on Wednesday and they confirmed my pregnancy. They scheduled an ultrasound for me yesterday and guys I thought for sure the baby was dead. All throughout my ultrasound the technician kept typing in ????? On my pictures and told me to get dressed and to stay where I was and not to move. An hour of waiting for answers she comes back in and tells me that I have an ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks. She sends me upstairs to see my OBGYN and he tells me that my tube is rupturing and we need to do surgery. Guys I went from a great morning to a nightmare. 4 hours after I am told that we need to do surgery I’m being wheeled into the operating room. I had 4 hours to be okay with it, I didn’t even have time to think about it and process how I felt. Now here I lay with 3 incisions on my lower stomach. I’m missing my whole right tube and ovary!

I needed to rant about this because I feel so sad. But I’m grateful I still have my left side. I’m determined to have another child! But even if I can’t then I’d love to become a foster parent and adopt a lot of kids. (:

I wish you all the best on your journeys TTC. Baby dust to all.

Update: I had a few moments of weakness last night where I wanted to cry. I started realizing that my journey TTC just became harder. I took some pictures of myself though because I realized how beautiful I am and sent these to my boyfriend. He was out shoveling snow off of other peoples driveways and it was about 1 in the morning. He comes back into the house when he’s done and crawls in to bed with me and I’m pretty much asleep at this point. He leans in, caresses my face and kisses me and whispers that he loves me in my ear. I bring this up because my boyfriend hardly ever says those words. It’s not because he doesn’t love me but he always looks for meaningful times to say it. He has been such a huge help and hasn’t really left my side since the surgery. I’m posting this because I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life and how lucky I am to still have a chance.