So please no judgement, I swear I’m not a horrible heartless person. I am just wondering if I am alone for how I’m feeling or if anyone has any advice. A few things; 1) I’m 9 weeks pregnant, our first appt is next week. 2) My first (girl) is currently 15 months old, and I love her more than anything in this whole entire world! She is my everything. I have been able to stay home with her everyday since she was born and my heart literally could explode thinking about how amazing she is. I remember longing so badly for her, and once she was here it felt like a piece of me that I always knew had been missing was finally whole. 3) Most of my life I’ve joked about wanting a family like Cheaper By The Dozen. Ever since I was little I’ve wanted tons of kids.

So with my first pregnancy, it took us 6 months. I know this is nothing compared to the length of time it takes those with fertility problems. But those of you who have TTC, you know one month of not getting pregnant feels like 6 months in itself. Now this time - I saw my baby was obviously not a little tiny baby anymore, I knew I wanted more kids, and I thought if I delivered when she was two that would be a good gap. So we quit preventing, put a little effort into trying (had sex literally 3 times that month), and I was pregnant that first month! Not what we were expecting, so we were kind of shocked.

Right when I saw the positive test I immediately was sad. Sad I wasn’t going to love this baby as much as my current daughter, that this baby would take away from my relationship with my current daughter, that we would be much tighter on money than we are now (I felt we were just getting to a pretty comfortable place again financially), etc etc. I didn’t tell my husband for 24 hours (that is long for me ha. With our first I immediately told him and couldn’t wait). I cried everyday for the first week. My husband of course was confused because I had wanted another baby and convinced him.

Then I realized after talking to a friend with multiples, that everything will be fine. I will love this baby so much and it’s the greatest gift I will be able to give my daughter. I knew they’d be great friends and my daughter will be so ecstatic. She already is obsessed with real life babies anytime she sees one, wants to watch videos of them on my phone, etc. So I knew it would be great!

So I wasn’t sad anymore, but was just kind of neutral about it.

Fast forward five weeks to now, and I’ve been sick for weeks (it was like this with my first pregnancy also), and I again yesterday and today am feeling I guess unhappy. I’m not excited for my doctors appointment next week (I do have a new OB this time around which I think I’m very closed off to since I loved my first OB SO much 😔), I dread putting any work into the nursery which I was SO excited about planning with my first, and I’m not excited at all really to tel friends or family. I feel so bummed because with my first pregnancy, even with the first trimester sickness I was so overjoyed. I can’t even put into words how ecstatic I was the entire time. I don’t know if I’m suffering from some form of pregnancy-caused depression, if its just the sickness getting to me, or what. I really want to feel excited like I did with my first, but everything just seem so gloomy. ☹️