We broke up.. (EDIT.)

Next month would have been our one year. I was looking forward to it but he left. I know one year isn’t all that long to some people but it has been my longest and he was my first for everything. He was my first relationship, my first kiss, the person I lost my virginity to, etc. I know I’m still growing, and I know I have a whole life ahead of me and many heartbreaks to go through but this has really hurt me in ways I can’t explain. He was my only friend and the only person I’ve truly showed myself to.

He wants to continue to be friends but it just hurts me, I never wanted to be just friends. I’m just hoping I can heal from this and move on; or possibly try again with him in the future.

EDIT:

So. A lot has happened since I made this post. Before I continue. I’d like to say I’m at fault as well in the situation I’ll be explaining and I’m not at all putting all of the blame on the other person! Also, after our break up I was mentally unstable. I was easy to manipulate and hurt to the point I didn’t care about myself or my body.

Okay. So about 2-3 months after are breakup our friend - who I have been friends with for 5 years. He wanted to hangout with me. We had been wanting to for a while but I just personally don’t like to when in a relationship. But since me and my boyfriend had broken up i figured why not. So we hung out, the first time we hung out. He had already started touching me. I told him no several times. I didn’t think anything of it. Well, afterward we hung out a few more times. Then one day, things got more sexual than I had wanted. I was scared and nervous and was having so many mixed emotions. I just couldn’t say no, I felt like numb. But yeah, we had sex. More than once. I’m not proud of it, I’m also not happy with myself that each time I couldn’t bring myself to say no. I know I’m to blame, I didn’t speak up.

Anyway, he started telling people that we were doing stuff. Which I told him multiple times I wanted nobody to know. I wanted it to be private between me and him. He didn’t listen. Eventually my ex had found out. When he did he was blowing up my phone and asking me if it was true. I was in the bathroom bawling my eyes out at this point. I didn’t know what to say or how to go about it. He had told me that he’s been wanting to try again with me, but he found that out. Eventually things calmed down. I had stopped what me and my friend had. Then I got back with my ex.

I can’t say what I did was right, it absolutely wasn’t. I hurt two people I cared a lot about. I was just still in love with my ex. I couldn’t deny that. I even told my friend I didn’t feel a connection with him.

Nonetheless. We’re back together and I’m happy. He told me out on a couple of dates. He buys me stuff I don’t even ask for, and it makes me feel so bad. He told me he just wants to make it up to me. But I don’t think spending money on me is necessary. Other than that, he does make me feel so loved. I couldn’t imagine myself without him again. But my friend has moved on and we still talk occasionally. But yeah, my life was a cluster fuck.