I apologize in advance...😬😩☹️

This is going to be one of those dear diary entries. I apologize in advance for its longevity.

I gave my husband a free pass for the weekend. I made him take off Friday and Monday and work for his 30th birthday weekend. I had his cousins coming into town for the weekend from South Florida to Tennessee. One cousin came in on Thursday as a surprise and I had it planned for him to meet up with us at the bar after work. I already knew it was going to be an intense and alcohol filled time - what we tend to call a “shit show“ of a weekend.

But we’re already into Friday night and I am kind of already fed up with it. We’ve ended up at a strip club. Mind you. (This has been the first time I’ve ever been to a strip club.) It was fun at first but it got way too old - way too quick. And I made it obvious towards the end of the night (11:30pm) that I was done and ready to go to dinner as we had not eaten since 11:30 am (and we golfed all day ). I don’t think they caught on quick enough.

Don’t get me wrong... I still had a good night, but I still got to my max limit.

I didn’t want to stop my husband from having a good time, I knew he was still being extremely trustworthy, so I just maintained myself and kept a close eye. We’ve always had the “you can look but you better not touch mentality. I made sure he had a smile on his face and kept a happy medium myself as I was the DD of the night (no alcoholic drinks consumed myself).

We ended up coming home to finish off the night with some food around 1 am. As I took my shower and lay down in bed with my husband, whom is halfway already out of it. I began to think to myself... it’s going to be a long night.

I have to pick up his other cousin until in the morning from the airport bright and early at 9:30 AM. It is already almost 230 in the morning and I’m laying here paying attention to my husband sleeping. Just praying that he is having an amazing 30th birthday... and hopefully the last one child free.

I’ve been praying for this moment for a while. I’m the youngest of four girls. My oldest sister has two kids. My next sister has two kids. My next sister has three kids.

My mom passed away this past May. And I’ve been having a hard time coming to the point of feeling where I am comfortable enough to begin having children and knowing that my mom is not here to help me. It breaks my heart. I miss her more than anything in the entire world. I really struggle with the fact that she’s not here.

Sometimes I don’t know how I get through the day. I struggle with the fact that I am never going to hear her voice again. I know I’m always going to have her in my memories. But actually never being able to hear her voice pains me. That’s all there is to it.

I just pray to God that I can live vicariously through her. And I can teach my children everything that she taught me. The strength that she taught me. What it means to be a family. And what love really is.

I pray I am as strong as she. As brave as she. And as admirable as she. I am so proud to have had the roll model I did and look so forward to being the type of mother she was to me.

So as this weekend continues. I think of how small my insecurities may be. How happy I am and how happy my husband is. He comes home to me. And no matter how small my worries may be. He always makes sure my worries are smaller than his.

I love my life. I love my husband. And I look forward to everything that is to come. If I am ready for our next step, but he still feels like he needs time. I will wait.

We both work so hard for those things.

Love. Faith. Compromise. Trust. Companionship. Honor. Time. Patience. Admiration. Friendship.

We strive to be the best for each other.

❤️❤️❤️

Wow this post took an emotional toll. I apologize for my emotional filled hormonal post. I have so many things to say and not many close friends to vent to. I thank you for listening if you’ve followed through this long.

Many prayers to those who strive for happiness. Strength. Love. Passion. Faith. Companionship. Relationship. Baby dust. Health. And sooooo much more.

😘