I have had 5 miscarriages, including a second trimester loss of our first- a baby boy.

Now, almost 5 years later, I am 31 weeks pregnant. It’s been a long road, but I am scared $hitless of something going wrong all the time.

I don’t want to buy a crib because I couldn’t bear coming home and seeing it without a baby. We just ordered a car seat and a bassinet (even though really we’d technically need a crib in a month anyhow)and are buying enough clothes to get through the first week with a newborn. Everything weve got can be easily tossed or donated, Incase of the worst.

No nursery. No decor. We said we’d do that later. Just a room with a bassinet and a change table.

Is this normal? Can anyone else relate to this? I’m not ungrateful, I love having this baby every single day. I hate the fact that I feel him kicking but I still doubt that he’ll come home from the hospital with me. Dr tells me he’s healthy, and aside from a short cervix (cerclage is holding) everything is good. But I know better! I lost my first boy, no medical reason, and it could happen again.

Innocence is gone.

I hate being in the >1%.

Is there anyone possibly out there who can relate?