A friend of our family took his life last night and I feel horrible their family was always such a support of ours they came to see my son when he was born and showered him with gifts and my mother still hasn't even seen him yet. Their youngest son was sort of a practice baby of mine and they even helped me get permanent residency here so I could stay with my husband. He was only 22 and was dealing with depression but we thought things were looking better. They haven't told anyone yet and we don't want to smother them but we want them to know we care. I also feel really guilty because my husband was told his lymphoma has come back and he will likely have to start treatment soon so if we want another child we have to have one now. I'm going into my most fertile days and obviously we arent in the headspace for BD right now but his appointment is next month so it feels like the opportunity has passed. I feel really selfish family friends have lost their son and here I am upset about this but it feels like every time we get close to this it slips through our fingers. we have had a lot of loss and pain this year and we were hoping to bring in some new life. I don't know I feel like a monster for being sad about ttc while being sad about our friends.