I’m a horrible person

I had a chemical pregnancy this week. I got my positive this month and started bleeding two days after. I thought maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten enough (we just moved and so there weren’t any actual paychecks coming in, as of Friday there will be) so we weren’t eating very much at all and most of it was fast food. I also am a smoker and I live in a house with peeling lead paint. I’m quitting smoking and the walls are being redone within two weeks hopefully. It just wasn’t a good time. However I am still sad. The only pregnancy I’ve had that seemed to stick I had to terminate because the amount of stress I was under at the time was putting me and the baby at risk. Ironic, i know. I don’t even know how that one stuck. I was drinking a lot before I found out (i stopped the second I realized how late my period was). I guess this was a mini rant. I’m not really sure. I’ve been really struggling with the fact that this would be at least my second mc. I hate that I couldn’t pull it together enough to be able to keep the one that was sticking. I still have her ultrasound. I was only 9 weeks and 6 days but it’s just one of those feelings. It looked like she was sucking her thumb in it too. I really miss my baby and I feel like a bad mom. I haven’t been able to keep one alive and she looked so peaceful and happy in the picture and she was still alive I just couldn’t do a high risk pregnancy at that point. (We got evicted from our house a month later) but I feel bad. I feel like I ripped her from her home. It’s been almost three months and i don’t know how to deal with it and this chemical pregnancy is making it so much harder.