I got my period for the first time since my loss. I started thinking that my body is getting back to normal again and after a follow up i may start thinking about ttc again. I want to be pregnant, i want a baby so much. But then i realized, if i conceive in nearest future, my baby will be born in winter or spring. My son was due in August. And i was over the moon, i had everything planned, even bought all the pretty sundresses i was going to wear during my third trimester. And i caught myself so angry that it will never happen, if i try again now, i will have adjust to different timeline. I found myself furious. If i wait till November (for my baby to be born in august) it will be exactly a year since my pregnancy and sounds like a lot of time. If i try now, everything will be different. I don’t know why this affects me so much, i guess I’m not ready to let go. This is the strangest feeling, knowing that this is the silliest thing to be angry about, it may not even happen, that i should be happy to be pregnant again, to just crave being pregnant but also not being able to let go of the grief and love i feel towards my first baby. I feel guilty, this is so unfair to the baby who doesn’t exist and to the baby i lost. This is harder than i thought. I just can’t let go. I don’t know why i’m writing this. I miss him so much, i just want him back. And i thought i was ready. How stupid of me