I realized I’m not ready

So

So

I got my period for the first time since my loss. I started thinking that my body is getting back to normal again and after a follow up i may start thinking about ttc again. I want to be pregnant, i want a baby so much. But then i realized, if i conceive in nearest future, my baby will be born in winter or spring. My son was due in August. And i was over the moon, i had everything planned, even bought all the pretty sundresses i was going to wear during my third trimester. And i caught myself so angry that it will never happen, if i try again now, i will have adjust to different timeline. I found myself furious. If i wait till November (for my baby to be born in august) it will be exactly a year since my pregnancy and sounds like a lot of time. If i try now, everything will be different. I don’t know why this affects me so much, i guess I’m not ready to let go. This is the strangest feeling, knowing that this is the silliest thing to be angry about, it may not even happen, that i should be happy to be pregnant again, to just crave being pregnant but also not being able to let go of the grief and love i feel towards my first baby. I feel guilty, this is so unfair to the baby who doesn’t exist and to the baby i lost. This is harder than i thought. I just can’t let go. I don’t know why i’m writing this. I miss him so much, i just want him back. And i thought i was ready. How stupid of me

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COMMENT (6)

Ji

Posted at
I feel the same way. Was looking forward to having a June baby. I talked about how the baby would be this age at such times for family gatherings. My daughter was born in Feb and its such a hard time doing parties for her. I know it will happen when it does I will be happy but I want a summer baby. Will be trying again in a few months.

Ra

Posted at
My baby was due in August as well and I lost him/her 12/8. I know everything you’re feeling 😞

So

Posted at
Thank you. And i’m very sorry for your loss. August baby mamas are especially dear to me because somehow i feel a bond. We shared the same excitement at the same time. I hope we’ll be ready soon. Day by day we get closer to healing. This is so hard but we will get stronger for our babies. Wish you peace and great health ❤️

Ti

Tiffany • Apr 2, 2018
I’m so sorry for your losses. And I’m having all of the same feelings! I was due in Aug too and it’s still been so hard for me. Some days are better than others, but it’s just all these different emotions at the same time!

Ni

Nicole • Apr 2, 2018
Yes exactly! I feel the same way about other August mommas too. We’ll be ready soon enough! If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m always here! Just a message away. ☺️

Ni

Posted at
I so totally agree with you. I was due in August as well, and all of my baby’s clothes I got are based on them being born then. For example, I live in Pheonix, Arizona. It’s pretty hot around August so I got the baby short sleeves till about November. Then it somewhat cools down so I started getting jackets and long sleeves in sizes 3-6 months. It’s definitely gonna be hard. I too am so so attached to my first baby. I thought I was going to want to try as soon as could but now I’m not so sure. Everything you’re feeling is completely fine & relatable. Have a baby whenever your heart desires & whenever youu are truly ready. I’m so very sorry for your loss. 💕💕