Sex deprived marriage ...

This is a letter to my husband, who is completely shut down. There’s no intimacy in our marriage anymore, and my heart is broken. I’ve reached a point where I have become angry and bitter, I don’t want divorce and I know it’s not God’s will. So this is to let out some of my pain. For another wife out there struggling with this, I pray this helps.

Dear Husband,

I love you. I love you so much. And that is why I’ve become so angry and mean to you. Yes I know that’s not what the Bible calls love, it’s sin in me, but your actions, or should I say lack thereof, have brought me to this point. Don’t you get it? I WANT to have sex with you, I NEED to have sex with you. And not this once every other week stuff or once a month. I need it every day. Twice a day. I want to have sex with you all the time. And sometimes I question myself because you treat me as if that’s crazy. But we only have sex when you feel like it. And you don’t even ask me for it, I have to go to you and basically beg for it. And most the time your back is turned to me, you only turn over when you’re ready to finish. And you don’t even touch me when we’re doing it. You just lay there. Blank. While I do all the work. And when I try to kiss you turn your head the other way. Ugh. The thoughts that go through my head. Am I that ugly? Do I smell? Is it because of the weight I gained after the baby? Of course as soon as it’s over, which is in about 1 minute, you turn back over. Don’t even bother to see if I’m pleased. Even if I’m not, I would be okay if you would just hold me. Show me that it wasn’t just about you getting pleasure. Or doing it so I wouldn’t complain. Who should have to beg their husband for sex? Those are just the times when you do “agree” to do it. Do you have any idea how humiliated I feel when you reject me? Which is all the time. When I want to come up to you and just grab you and hug on you and kiss you... but I can’t... because I know that you’re going to reject me.. you’re going to just lay there and not move, and as soon as I try anything yo either tell me no or push me off...Do you know how embarrassing It is when you’re laying there and I start rubbing your arm and kissing you and try to get you to turn over and you fight me so I can’t ? I sincerely can’t remember the last time you touched me.. not from me forcing you. I can’t . That’s so sad. I’ve come to think this is normal. Which freaks me out that I would even consider this normal. You don’t kiss me. You don’t hug me. Nothing. We don’t even talk. You talk more to a bill collector than you do to me. I get so, so, I don’t even want to call it jealous, more like envious of couples I see where they freely love on each other. Holding hands, kissing , hugging, it’s so natural for them. And all the women complain how their men always want sex, and are always all over them. I WISH that was my problem. I really do. I would do anything to have you want me like that. I’ve started to entertain thoughts of other men. How another man could want me and pursue me. Make me feel loved and wanted . And I know it’s wrong. Which makes me even more mad. Because I want that from you. But you refuse. I’ve talked to you about it over and over again. There’s always an excuse. To be honest I’m just tired of it. And I’ve been praying . For years now. And I felt like God promised me marriage restoration. But now I’m having doubts. I don’t doubt what God can do. I doubt Him doing it. I doubt myself being able to last until He does. Because there’s a lot of things I can have patience for. However I’m finding out that non-existent intimacy isn’t on that list. And God knows I struggle with patience, even you know that. I’ve become a more patient wife, thanks to the Lord. But this , this is just something that I can’t get over . And then there’s the affair. Yeah the one that happened while we “weren’t together”. It makes me so angry to think that you can have sex with some random woman, but here I am having to beg for it. And now after we just had a baby you tell me you want to wear condoms so I don’t get pregnant again. And that brings the picture to my mind of the condom I found in your laundry, that’s how God revealed your affair to me. Because you lied to me when I asked you if you’d been with someone else, causing your distance from me. So no, I refuse to use condoms with you. Because of that, and many other reasons. Like, why should I have to use condoms with the man I am married to? To me thats not even something that I should have to ask. You say we don’t have money or space for any more kids. But yet you wanted another dog and spend money on useless things like alcohol and cigarettes. Your mind is so backwards. I can’t even say anything to you about it, I mean I have, but how many times can you repeat yourself ? You don’t listen. Well you do, but you refuse to do anything about it.I’m moving my stuff down to the basement. It kills me to do this. It literally gives me anxiety and makes me feel depressed just to be in the opposite room from you because i always want to be with you. I’m praying this changes something. It’s like I’m screaming out to you “WARNING” because I know myself, and I know my time of being patient is running out. I’m so close to leaving you. And I don’t want to. I don’t know what else to do. God knows that I’ll make a mistake. I know it. And I’m trying to tell you. Has the fights these past couple weeks not been a sign to you? I’ve been quiet about it for almost 10 months. It’s cold down there, and it’s dark, and I’m afraid because I know I’m going to be scared. And I don’t want the baby down there. But staying up here isn’t going to change anything . Ugh. Why can’t you just love me?? I don’t get it. I don’t. I’m pleading with you. I don’t wanna do it . Please don’t make me. Jesus save our marriage. I need a miracle. I need it fast. Lazarus has been dead in the tomb 4 days. But Jesus said he is just sleeping.