Options Welcome! Needing To Rant.

So my husband recently told me that he really wanted to reconnect and build our bond. We have had some ups and downs, but our main problem is that we really don’t have anything in common. But he sat up with me for 6 hours through the night talking to me. He even cried at one point telling me that he hates how distant I’ve been and how I never open up or want to be intimate recently with him. I explained to him that I want to be all of these things, but it’s hard when he doesn’t open up and just acts annoyed when I do open up about things bothering me. Anyways, I gave what he said a lot of thought. And I mean A LOT of thought. It’s hard for me to open up to people close to me, because of my past specifically with my mother. I’d open up to her and she’d either physically abuse me, or have her boyfriend physically abuse me if it wasn’t something she wanted to hear. One time I had told her that I didn’t see her as my mother because she abused me and allowed her boyfriends to abuse me as well. And because I opened up, like she asked, she held me down on the ground and her boyfriend sliced my wrists with his pocket knife and then they called the police and had me hospitalized saying I was threatening their lives and my own. Back to my husband. So tonight I decided I would give him what he wanted. I had bought a lingerie (mainly because he said he always wanted me to wear one occasionally), and made a romantic dinner and even went out of my way to purchase a new watch for him that he has been wanting for awhile. And when he saw everything I did for him, all he said was, “Thanks” and then asked me to move everything and started playing video games with his friend online... It took a lot out of me to do everything I did tonight, and he just completely ignored it all... This is why I don’t open up and give people what they want. Because they ALWAYS spit in my face and never acknowledge that I did it for them.

Then he turns around and asks why I look mad. And I thought for a second, and before I could even tell him how embarrassed I felt for doing all of that for him, he says “This is why we have problems, you don’t put in any effort recently and you never open up.” Hearing him say that, after I put so much effort into tonight, and tried to open up to him, made me want to bash my head off the fucking wall. And I considered telling him even though he had just said what he said. But then I thought of how he completely ignored what I did for him, and I just said “Leave me alone or I’m going to my friends.” And he whispered under his breath, “I wish you’d let me in and let me love you.”

And I know what some of you are going to say. You’re going to say I don’t open up and he’s trying. But he’s not. I’ve been struggling with ptsd from what my mother did to me growing up. But for the last few months I’ve slowly been opening up to my husband to help him understand and to help myself get over what had happened. But when I do open up and try to be intimate with him, then HE shuts ME out and ignores my effort.

I’m just so fed up with it. I have my own battles inside to overcome. I don’t have time or energy to play his games anymore. I can’t play games anymore.