Hey ladies. This serves as both a rant and an apology for what I’m ranting for.

As of today, I’m 35 weeks 5 days pregnant with my first, a baby boy. I dreamed of being pregnant my whole life, I was with a man who didn’t want kids for a long while. We eventually disagreed and broke it off, and I got with my fiancé. 3 months after starting to date, after trying because we both wanted a family, we fell pregnant. I was ecstatic and he was a bit terrified. Which is as expected. Time passed, he got to know our baby boy, and he lightened up.

I always pictured myself as a wife and mother, out of everything in life that’s all I wanted. TTC was hard, even if it didn’t take us long. And the first 11 weeks of my pregnancy were smooth, I didn’t have morning sickness so I just woke up every day and was pregnant. At 12 weeks, I was diagnosed with severe sciatica and at 13 weeks it was so bad I left work.

At 16 weeks, my MIL tried assaulting me (his dad was staying with us and she came one night and started drama). She refused to leave and because he was a resident for more than 30 days they couldn’t make them both leave, so we had to leave for my safety. We lived in a motel for a week before moving in with my mom. My mom and I never got along, she was always dismissive and abusive but it was the only choice we had. Around this time is when my acid reflux got so bad I can’t survive without crackers and zantac. I spent nights crying and trying to puke to help it.

We stayed there 3 months before my fiancé’s aunt found us an apartment, so we moved when I was 32 weeks. I could barely lift a box before collapsing and I was utterly useless, but we were out of my moms house. That’s what mattered to us. We got settled in after a few days, and things started to feel normal again.

Until I went into preterm labor at 33+5. They stopped my contractions, and I went home. At 34+6 it happened again, and this time they couldn’t stop my contractions. I stayed overnight, got the steroid shots, and finally went home late the next afternoon. I was told I wouldn’t make it much longer but that my baby is strong and he’d be okay.

Today, I’m 35+5. My back hurts so bad I can’t move, my right hip hurts so bad I can’t walk, my acid reflux doesn’t stop for any medication, I pee every 2 hours on the dot at night, usually sooner during the day, and I don’t sleep. At all.

*Okay, here’s the apology portion. I’m sorry I feel this way. I’m sorry to all the women trying who want nothing more, like I did. I’m sorry for the women who can’t get it, who would give anything to be miserable if it meant having a baby. I truly am sorry, my pregnancy has been the worst experience I’ve ever had to face. I love my son, I talk to him, rub on him, read to him. He’s my whole world, and I cannot was to meet him. But I’m also ready to put this pregnancy behind me.*

Thank you for reading, if you did.