my narassistic mom (anyone with this experience please!)

I have A narcissistic mom She never remembers my birthday a she believes the things that I love are stupid For example she told me that I had no friends, no one was going to love me,That I wasn't really going Anywhere in life. I pushed myself to make friends because I thought what she told me Was true and I found a boyfriend But She pushed him away because he couldn't deal with her constant gaslighting and her constantly saying that I was suppose to use him to my advantage especially since I have my own job. and he made me happy but I'm stuck till I leave for uni and she now trying to groom me to be like her I want to be a librarian and show kids reading is fun but she said my dream was as stupid and that I need to be more realistic because that makes no money and being happy with your job is for kids but I'm too stupid to realize it and made me get an internship with a government agency but I'm dealing with multiple complications with it and I'm not sure o even want it I know I don't and I told her and she said I was selfish for everything she gone through for me and that I'm a brat and that she could have aborted me anytime she wanted and can still. what do I do? I'm absolutely miserable I literally have no reason to live she controls everything about my life and says its out of love but I know it's not.