I’m having a really crap day, this me offloading

I feel so alone. I can’t help it. I can see you standing there next to me, but I can’t feel you. You can’t make this better for me, because one day I know that you will walk away too. Everyone leaves me. They get too close and I push them away because they aren’t allowed to see the real me , whoever that is. I can’t control my emotions and they spill out. On bad days I can’t compartmentalise my feelings into the right groups. I feel sad and angry with everyone. I isolate myself to protect you and me. I’m dying inside everyday underneath this fake smile and fake laughter. Each day I wake up, and I just don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to have to deal with my conscious thoughts anymore. But I’m afraid to sleep. I see things that I don’t want to see, and I hear things I don’t want to hear. The voice inside my head tells me I’m worthless and shit. What is worse for me : sleep or being awake? Both are as haunting as the other.