My missed miscarriage story-long

I wanted to share my miscarriage story, because I found myself scouring the internet for other women’s stories. I also want to stare my story because my doctor kept ensuring me that this is so common, but people just don’t talk about it. I’m not ready to talk about it openly in real life but I hope my story relates to someone.

Let me start at conception. We are newly married and weren’t planning on having babies until we were married at least a year, but on Valentine’s day we took a risk on the fact that I thought I wasn’t ovulating and two weeks later we found out I was pregnant! Shocked, but excited.

Before we could make it to our first appointment, I was having some spotting so my doctor wanted me to come in early for an ultrasound. At first, the US tech only found a small sac but I was having HCG levels comparable to a 7 week pregnant woman, so she left the room to talk to the doctor. When she came back, she asked us if twins ran in our families because she was now seeing two little sacs, measuring 3-4 weeks. We were told that it could be twins but it was too early to tell. We were a little overwhelmed but felt like we hit the jackpot, getting two babies at once.

At our 6 week appointment, we found out that there was only one baby our sweet Jelly bean was measuring 6 weeks, 2 Days and we got to see that precious heartbeat. The doctor believes it is possible that it was twins and one twin passed away very early, causing the bleeding. We were a little sad that it wasn’t twins, but still so happy to see that heartbeat. We had decided that since we saw the heart beat and Easter was coming up that we would tell our families at Easter.

On Easter, we told our families and they were so excited. We were supposed to be exactly 8 weeks on Easter Sunday and since we saw the heartbeat we felt very confident telling them. We had an appointment later that week so everyone was excited to see a more clear picture of Jellybean.

When we went to our US appointment, as soon as we saw that screen we knew something was wrong. I had been googling what an almost 9 week ultrasound should look like, and ours did not look like that. The US tech said that she was sorry but this didn’t look like a viable pregnancy. The baby was still only measuring 6 weeks 2 Days with no heartbeat. She said to wait while she got the doctor. As we waited for what seemed like an eternity, my husband began to cry but I just kept staring at the wall, holding onto whatever hope I could. The doctor came in and prepared us for what might happen next. We booked an US for the next week to confirm.

We took Friday through Sunday and basically laid in bed crying and wondering why this was happening. I think we both also had a glimmer of hope that we would go back and see a heartbeat and growth. I had no miscarriage symptoms. No bleeding or cramping.

At our next appointment, our nightmare was confirmed and the doctor booked me for a D&C; in two weeks just in case I didn’t pass the baby on my own.

I waited two full weeks to lose my baby. The doctor was tracking my HCG levels and we could see that they were dropping, but my body wouldn’t let go. Finally, 3 Days before my D&C; was scheduled, I began to have bleeding and cramping. I had a big meeting at work that wouldn’t be over until 4:00 and I prayed that I would make it until after the meeting.

I got home around 4:30 and immediately starting having cramps. I took one of the Naproxen that my doctor prescribed and laid in bed. At 5:30 the cramps started getting more intense and I took one of the Oxycodone that my doctor prescribed me. I started timing the cramps and they were about a minute long and about a minute apart.

Right before 6:00, I had a small urge to have a bowel movement so I got up to use the restroom. As soon as I sat down, clots came out. I sat there for 10 mins or so and the cramps got really bad then all of a sudden a felt what I thought was a large clot starting to come out then plop into the toilet. As soon as it did, I knew what it was and my cramping stopped immediately. I looked into the toilet and there was the sac, attached to what I believe was some lining maybe. The sac was only the size of a quarter but the whole mass was the size of my hand.

I sat there for about 20-30 mins while I waited for my husband to get home. I was cold and scared and didn’t know what to do. I did not want to flush my baby down the toilet. I was scared to look in the toilet. I sat there crying and hoping he would be home soon.

Finally he came and held me there and got me a sweatshirt to warm me up. I told him I didn’t want to flush our baby but we didn’t know What to do. He thought it was a bad idea to pull it out of the toilet, but I wanted to see my baby.

***warning, some might find this weird, gross, hard to read***

I calmed down and told him I was going to take it out and open it up to find the baby. He couldn’t be there for it so he left the room. I can honestly say that for me, being able to see where my little baby lived for 6 weeks gave me so much closure and I’m so glad I did it.

Everything was perfectly in tact. I could see the sac, full of fluid and the perfect home for my baby. I really wanted to see my tiny baby, so I cut open the sac to find him. I found a very small (grain of rice size) white thing that had the vague outline of a baby. It didn’t look like much, but it is all I could find that looked like our baby. We put it in a box which we plan to bury.

Now as I recover, my bleeding is similar to a period. Cramping is minimal but sometimes I will take a Naproxen if I feel like it’s bad. We have found closure in naming our baby (Frankie) and knowing that he never has to feel pain.

The part that is hard for me is that this baby was not planned, yet we loved him so much. I was perfectly okay with waiting for a family until I found out I was pregnant, but now all I want is to hold my baby. I feel like I don’t deserve to try again because I wasn’t planning on having a baby in the first place. I feel like the “smart” thing to do is wait to buy a house and be better financially. But in my heart I just want my family. I don’t know what to do next, so we are just taking it one day at a time. We will see where we go from here.