How do I get the courage to leave

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. And I just don't know if I want to continue this anymore.. Here is a picture of us...

We've been through a a lot of bad times together. About a year into our relationship, we moved to a different state to try and start our own life together. We were 'tempirarily' staying with my friends who were nearly family. After a year of me, and only me, struggling, working, and stressing about saving money for us to get our own place he moved back home without even consulting me because he was unhappy where we were staying. He moved back home and tried to cheat on me. I say try because he never actually slept with anyone else, but he messaged his ex non stop about how he still loved her and she was welcome to stay the night whenever she wanted. I broke up with him after that but a week later we were back together. Those messages I found still haunt me, almost 2 years later. Shortly after we got back together, I cheated on him with a random guy who showed me attention because he wouldn't. He was heartbroken when I told him roughly 6 months later, but we still remained together.

I moved in with him maybe 5 months after our incidents. He had a very bad drug problem. Being long distance I really didn't know how bad it really was. I had struggled with drugs for a short period of time too, but stopped because I knew it was not the life I wanted to live.

Right after I moved in, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. God did I want that baby so bad..

I was obsessed with saving him from his addiction for a year. That's how long it took for him to quit. Through all the pain, heartache, extreme anxiety, worrying, fighting... everyday for a year.

He has been sober since January 1st. Almost 5 months, but he seems to not have any inclination to go back.

This brings me to the now. I do love him. We've been through so much together, spend all of our time together.. But it just seems like there is no spark left in our relationship. We both go to work, come home and chit chat a little and then we stare at our phones and the TV the rest of the night. Every night. I'm still unhappy, although he isn't cheating, he isn't doing drugs. It seems like I just refuse to be happy. There's always a problem in my eyes and I know that's what he'll say if I try to talk to him because I know my tone, or my words, something will make me seem or sound like I'm trying to fight. I just cant talk to him. I dont think we can be honest with each other...

We rarely have sex (maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks) I always want it, but I'm so tired of getting turned down or being the only one initiating it. I am also very insecure, and he knows it. If I try to do something sexy or try to get him in the mood I'm usually faking some confidence, and if he doesn't give me some encouragement I automatically just stop because I know I'm making a fool out of myself. He rarely ever shows me affection, but that is mostly just how he is. I used to be very affectionate, I would tell him how it upsets me that he doesn't show me affection and it has never changed. So I stopped showing him as much affection.

I want a place of our own so bad. It's what I've wanted since before he left me to come back home. He makes decent money and since he's stopped using we could afford our own place but we still live at his parents. I want a baby and a family so bad. He says he wants to have babies with me, but when I tried to talk to him about this app he just laughed and acted like I was being crazy, "What are you tracking your ovulation for?"

I think I know that we have to end this but I just dont want to do it. I do love him. It kills me to think of him being happy with someone else. I've tried sooo hard to make him happy, but I genuinely dont think I do. It just seems like we would both be happier if we found someone else.. as much as I really dont want to admit it.

I haven't talked to him, because he is so hard to communicate with. He gets defensive and annoyed when I try to communicate my feelings that he thinks is just me being crazy. So I just don't communicate.

I could leave, go and stay with my grandmother because I cant afford a place by myself but she has offered before. I've been having these thoughts for awhile, since he got sober. I just dont know if I am making the right decision.. I do love him. We do have a lot of trust issues, I dont think either one of us really trusts each other.

I just want to be loved so fiercely. All I want is to be a wife and mother and I just dont see my life with him going in a direction that could make me happy. I don't even know if he's happy. Because if I were to ask he would most likely just lie if he wasn't.

Ladies.... please just talk to me. I'm so tired of having all of this in my head and no one to talk too. I'm sorry it was so long, there's just so much going on in my mind.