I need an idea here.

Pardon if this is too long. Ive been having some hard thoughts lately, and I feel I may be slipping away from myself. Ive been dealing with depression/anxiety/ect. for years. Grew up with an alcoholic parent that mentally abused myself and my mother; my mother herself seems to have some fucked up idea that whatever anyone else says about me is true before talking to me about it first. That alone has caused some MAJOR trust issues with almost anyone Ive met in my life. I try hard tho... I also suffer from low grade schizophrenia, which makes the anxiety worse and makes it quite hard to sleep... I was ok for awhile, met my wonderful bf, and I seemed to have moved on, calmed myself, and made peace with most of my mental issues. Lately tho, Ive spiraled downward. Hard. I had a miscarriage in December, which wasnt too bad. Then I had another in Feb. The docs say its due to my hormones. I cant stop thinking about it now. My bf doesnt want kids and is kinda insensitive about it. Ive hidden that it hurts. My best friend has always been slightly toxic, telling me im an idiot and a joke out of play, but my mind feels he may be right. Just recenctly my mother has asked me if i had told my bf about my mental health, and accused me of hiding when i told her i havent. Its not that Im hiding, I just feel everyone thinks its a joke. Now, Im quitting my job because its affecting my work. Of course Im quite sure it has to do with alot of it since i work 13hrs a day 6 days a week. Its put a huge stress on the very few relationships I have. I broke down to my head boss that I couldnt do it anymore and after our meeting he told everyone I was leaving because I wasnt mentally stable to work. As for my bf, I know its a man thing and all but most days i feel like the mother instead of the lover. I clean the house, do the dishes, rub his shoulders, do laundry, everything. He does nothing unless i ask him at least twice, and in the end i still do it myself. I feel unapreciated. I feel ashamed that im still not good enough cuz he yells at me for not giving him enough attention. Hes gotten angery that I still smoke. I cant help it, it helps. Ive cried in the shower and in private, taken long walks, all the things i use to do to help but nothing has worked anymore. I need some advice here. I feel alone even in a crouded room. Its a constant feeling that everyone is staring at me and judging me. I truly have no idea what to do anymore. The very few ive talked about this to has only told me "keep your head up. Youre still loved. Youre too beautiful to feel this way." How the hell can I tell myself this when my mind warps everything to be so ugly. I cant even look in a mirror.

Honestly I dont really care if anyone even sees this... It kinda helps to just speak it out. Even to complete strangers at this point. I was gonna post this as anonymous, but maybe i dont want to anymore.