This isn’t real!! Nooo way !!! TRIGGER WARNING M/C

*I hope I posted in the right topic!

Last year we had a accidental pregnancy and then miscarriage in May, which (due to doctors negligence) I finally finished having in July in the ER bathroom by myself because they just preferred to chat (Toowoomba base hospital QLD) I am a training nurse, I definitely reported it.. but mentally, it messed me up. I don’t trust health care anymore and I am TERRIFIED of birth and or another miscarriage because of how poorly I was treated... it was absolutely disgusting.. (me standing there holding my gut bleeding through my jeans and I can’t hold myself up.. in excruciating pain delivering a massive sack of my first baby for the first time in my life .. nurses comment “I’ve had children it’s not that bad” okay but 1. IM NOT YOU 2. WE ARE NOT THE SAME.. anyway I’m rambling.. she thought I was a druggy and left me for 3hours before pain relief and I finished miscarrying within 20 minutes after (TMI: it came all at once so we just left without seeing anyone, I was so hurt by it, my partner let them know, I couldn’t.)

Before this all happened my crazy ass mum and dad would not keep our secret and my WHOLE family found out, (then because my miscarriage went so long they accused me of keeping our baby alive and lying about it because I was not really talking to anyone as I was angry everyone found out, and my cousin told me that everyone thinks I ABORTED.. from rumours from my mum and cousin!! it really hurt.. it still does. The whole pregnancy I suffered severe Hyperemises Gravidarum(just vomiting and not eating enough, stomach acid was so bad no matter what I ate.. I was miserable and this just didn’t help my stresses.

For my partner we pulled up and cracked a can and he gave it to his dad, then after hearing the news, they didn’t even hug or congratulate him.. it was horrible.. truly.. they all love us so it really shocked us, he is almost 30, has a house, is in a great job he loves, I have a good job and they love hanging out with us.. that night he wouldn’t talk, he was just so hurt.. he just laid cuddling me and yeah.. broke my freakin heart.. just as his ..nightmare year.👌🏽

I’ve been baby crazy ever since.. it’s hard.. seeing everyone pregnant and just crumbling, for a year.. so many people pregnant. I’m sure we’ve all been there right?

I’m so happy for you ...

Me on the inside:

We spent the babies EDD 06/01/2018 up at beautiful mount tambourine. I then found out I have worsening endometriosis so babies might be very hard, and a psychic told me I will not be able to have children until after medical intervention (waiting for surgery, could be 1 or 2 years) (which could be true if we can’t hold pregnancies)

On ovulation this month I went into kind of a trance waking up and I remember stroking my big pregnant belly and talking to the heavens and saying I’m finally ready. And then this week I had a dream we had 2 little mamas named pipi and Mimi ! It was insane, My belly has been tender like a period, my boobs have been sore, so has my increased creamy Cm all since the day of ovulation. I’ve been bloated, but I feel great and preparing myself for another upsetting period that I always say I won’t get upset about.

Well! I wake up today and test early (period due tomorrow!) aaaaand this!

( our beautiful baby rattle we picked up as a lucky charm ❤️)

Me

And our estimated due date EDD is would you believe it, 06/01/2019 (with my 26 day cycle!)

I woke up this morning in tears dreading my period .. crying seeing that the singer Halsey is also 23 & has had a miscarriage and endometriosis and is freezing her eggs, I messaged my partner how hurt I was that we might never get the chance (as I am in quite a bit of pain during well.. life!) ((could always be worse )).

I sat on my knees in the bathroom and I said to God, if it’s meant to be it’ll be!!

You guys, I went and cried to my partner as soon as he got home I just cried you know.. I was thinking this whole morning how it wasn’t happening most likely and .. just.. W O W. The same date too! It just blows us away.

As for the family, I’m not sure we’ll tell anyone, I don’t want to, especially with our higher risk of miscarriage, I think for my stresses, it’s best to just say I’m bloated from Endometriosis and diet is very similar too.. maybe once we can’t hide it anymore.. they will most definitely be hurt, but so am I.. I just can’t..

Thanks for listening to my pity party, I send baby dust to all my mamas out there (ps. I did the eat the whole pineapple ovulation trick (but only ended up eating half, mainly the centre.) and I just stopped trying, I stopped checking, I kept saying if it’s meant to be it’ll be. I also listened to mantras and meditated to relieve stress! 💫 (if that helps someone, who knows!)

I know women have been trying longer than us and I don’t mean to make anyone upset, I just needed to tell SOMEONE! I am over the moon!

Here’s a picture of us, love and light you guys, love and light, we have got this little baby P!! ❤️ please please, if you have a minute spare, please pray for us. We will beat ENDO ❤️🙏🏻

Have a wonderful year guys, love, J

PS. We just realised my BEAUTIFUL NAN passed away yesterday 6 years ago which was the date I was expected to test pregnancy this year and last!!! Definitely an angel at work Nan 💗