How to not have guilt post breastfeeding (TW: abuse)

My daughter is nearly four months. She’s amazing and beautiful.

The day she was born she latched right away. The hours following her birth were a struggle; We were in a ward room to recover with three other new moms...who wouldn’t stop screaming, yelling, fighting with visitors way past the allowed hour. Baby kept getting distracted and wouldn’t latch again.

When we got home, she latched decently, but i was in so much pain. So we went to the breastfeeding clinic. I was given nipple shields and told to supplement and be on a strict schedule: nurse 20, formula, pump 20, repeat every two hours. This meant when I was done pumping it was pretty much time to nurse again. I had zero support at home. My now ex boyfriend (who was very abusive most if our relationship) wouldn’t help. I was unable to walk much, sitting or standing too long hurt my stitches from the tear and cut, I was sick and couldn’t eat much...and I was doing it all myself. He got angry when I would try to nurse her “too often” so I felt self conscious. Baby started loosing weight. I felt so horrible and started more formula.

When I finally left him when baby was three weeks nursing became much easier! We nursed while still supplementing up until last week...she has had enough. I try to nurse, she screams bloody murder and pushes off me. I’ve tried tricking her, doesn’t work anymore. And the best part is I suck with pumping! I don’t get anything, max two ounces a day from BOTH sides together! It has become so frustrating for us both. My stress and anxiety levels have been very high the last two weeks. My ex is harassing me, we have court in a week and now two days ago he came to the house I’m living at, stalked around in the night. Cops can’t charge him because we don’t have it on camera...even though he admitted to being here (whole other issue!).

I want to nurse her longer but she refuses. I try to let her get really hungry, cut out any food I think may be an issue, no coffee...nothing helps.

I haven’t breastfed in five days. My breasts are tender and sore. My heart is hurting. I feel like I have failed. My mom is trying to make me feel better but nothing helps. I feel like I have failed my daughter. I know formula is fine but breastfeeding is better. I wanted to have that bond, that connection. Now it’s gone.

How can I recover from this guilt? Pic cuz I love my kid