Love Is So Blind it feels right when it's wrong

Tamia
So I've been dating this boy for over a year now we really in love but lately things have been taking a turn for the worse so when we first started. Dating he was still talking to other girls which made me a lil insecure and not able to trust him and when we reached for months I thought the only way to keep him was pretending to be pregnant so I pretended to be pregnant and he changed complety he stop hitting girls up he was more open with me caring and considerate always made sure I had a seat on the train it came to the point were I started to feel bad as if I was using him so I had to find Away to end it so I told him I had a misscarrige two months later he was upset and started taking to girl again and calling me a whole bunch of names
We broke up for a week got back together 6months later this may that just passed I was feeling really weird like throwing up a lot and dizzyness so I went to the doctor I've been having unprotected. Sex with him for 12 months I just thought I couldn't get pregnant next thing I know the doctors told me I was really pregnant I started crying burst out in tears I didn't know if it was good or bad I just. Couldn't believe it I told him he old me get an abortion just when I was about to he called me like don't do it I was angry I didn't mean it so I kept it things were fine but none of the doctors were helping me I was never pregnant before I didn't know what to do they didn't give me prenatal pills they didn't tell me  what I shouldn't and should do I was lifting heavy things my boyfriend was getting upset cuz I threw up a lot my job was getting harder on me I was stressed everyday 3 months went by I started spotting I went to the doctor right away they told me to relax its nothing the blood got heavier a week later I and back they gave me morphine 6 Tylenol and 2 mortins in less then 6 hours they sent me home as I was walking to the kitchens blood came down my pants like water I screamed my boyfriend name and he came and was in shock and I sat on the toilet and there my baby came out in my hands I was crying saying that it was all my fault that I was a horrible mother I kissed it me and my boyfriend observed it a lil but I buried it the next day ever since I've been scared to get pregnant again I feel like that happen to me for pretending i was along time ago now thing are so messed up in my relationship my boyfriend hates himself he said since she lost the baby he doesn't believe in anything beauteous he said he prayed to God every night it didn't happen again lil does he know this was my first time being pregnant we wanna try again soon but just some I wanted to share with u guys make sure u ready for a baby and the consequences of losing it misscarriges are unpredictable 😕