Ectopic Pregnancy, Worst Nightmare

I took a pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago and we were just ecstatic. There were no words to explain how we felt. We were trying for about a year now. When I went to the doctor I told her I was about 4 weeks going on 5 (according to the glow app). I’m over 35 and I was cramping at the time. She immediately consider me a high risk bc of my age. She wanted lab work done to see my Beta HCG levels. The 1st time it was at 68 and the 2nd time it doubled... meaning we were good to go. I was pregnant.

The doctor that I go to is in Family Medicine and they don’t do prenatal there, so, I needed to go to another doctor. A week later, which was yesterday, I’m at my first prenatal appt. By this time I was cramping a lot more and spotting for 2 days. As I was reading all these post from people that were spotting and cramping. I thought this was a normal thing as well, but in the back of my head I was still worried, yet, I hoped for the best.

He examined me, and did an ultrasound.... no baby!? Wth, what does this mean!?!?!? Option 1 baby is still too small to see. Option 2 it’s somewhere else where it doesn’t need to be. So, he orders me to go get a transvaginal ultrasound. I go and nothing!!!! At this time, my stomach is in knots and my mind is going crazy. My appt was at 10.... its already 2 o’clock and they can’t find my baby! Now, I have two doctors involved and both agree to get more blood work done to check my Beta HCG levels.

My third visit to a different place same area! I’m hungry, aggravated, sore from people poking me from needles and machinery and just confused! I’m by myself crying like a baby asking why is this happening to me. This was gonna be my 1st prenatal visit. I’m expecting good news and not a nightmare on elm st kinda day.

Nurse calls me and says, after blood work go back to my prenatal doctor, he’s expecting me. I tell her I’m on my way, I just really need to get me something to eat. My head is pounding, I’m feeling dizzy and I need to eat. She says ok. 5 min later, my doctor calls me and says pull over, don’t buy anything to eat. Wtf!?!?! My heart drops and it’s just raising 100 mph. I pull over, I tell him ok, what’s going on. At this point I know it’s no good news.

He asks me: what do you know about ectopic pregnancies? I tell him, well, I know it’s a tubal pregnancy and it can be a high risk, sometimes fatal. If a women has an ectopic pregnancy and doesn’t know in time the baby can rupture the tube and that’s when it can turn fatal. If caught in time, it has to be terminated. Ectopic pregnancies are not successful and it has to be terminated one way or another. Babies don’t survive. He says your exactly right and unfortunately, this is you!

He tells me, I hate doing this over the phone, but I don’t need you to come see me. I need for you to go to the ER right now. Again, I’m just bawling in my truck calling my husband to hurry and come see me. I’m going crazy. This was not suppose to happen. This was suppose to be a good day. I’m suppose to hear my baby’s heartbeat. Why, why!? Why Lord, why you gonna bless me after so many months and do this to me. What have I done to deserve this? This baby is wanted!!! This baby will be loved!!! Why!?!?

I make myself go to the ER, even though I don’t want to. Maybe if I don’t go, there’s a miracle. Maybe the doctor’s have this all wrong! But no, I end up at the ER, in a room, all alone. Husband is on his way...

ER doctor tells me, my Beta HCG has dropped from 1300 to 137. Meaning, I may have miscarried already. That yes in fact I had an ectopic pregnancy and that they needed to have stopped my pregnancy sooner or later. I’m crying uncontrollably again! He reassures me, it’s nothing I have done, it not my fault and it’s an unfortunate situation that sometimes women go through. Nothing he says is making me feel better. I wanted this baby so so bad. I’m like a 2 yr old throwing a tantrum. Just asking why’s! Can’t understand why women are blessed with babies and they don’t want them, they don’t even know who the baby daddy is, or they have accidental pregnancies and now they have to deal with it and why not me? Why I cannot keep this baby? Why am I being punished for loving!?

Since the doctor’s saw something in my tubes still, they’re having me wait until Friday. Either my baby is still inside just dying or it’s just the residue. So, at this point I can miscarry at home any time from now until Friday or I need to go back to ER. I’m having to do blood work before I go and see what my levels are. If I still show signs of pregnancy they’re definitely gonna give me shot so I can terminate it.

Please listen to your body and take care. I’m bawling uncontrollably, but I’m glad I caught this in time. I may not know the reasons, but I will just accept it and move on. I’m grateful for the things I do have and I still have faith I will be blessed again. I have 2 angel baby’s now and I know I will have my rainbow baby sooner or later. Never loose faith no matter how dark we feel. There’s always always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long it is. ❤️