This may seem very petty, but today I was supposed to go to the Supercross finals in Las Vegas with my husband, something I’ve been looking forward to for a whole year. We had it all planned. Our daughter would just have turned six months and would have stayed with my mom for about eight hours, the longest we’ve left her, but we were just going to go to the races and come home.

As the race neared I got more and more excited because I’ve felt very distant from my husband since the birth of our daughter and I was looking forward to spending a whole night with him. I feel like we really needed this for our marriage.

But a week ago we started talking about it and he started voicing his doubts about me being able to leave our daughter because she’s been so attached lately. She’ll scream till no end unless I’m holding her. I started having doubts too. Then I tried offering her a bottle because that was going to be key for my mom to watch her since it’s one of the only things that soothes her. She’s EBF and hasn’t had a bottle in a little while but she always took it like a champ so I didn’t think of anything. She refused it. No interest and just screamed at it. I tried several more times and different times of day with my husband helping and nothing. I was heartbroken.

We ultimately made the decision for me to stay home with her. We tried to sell our tickets but no dice. He decided to go so that way we weren’t wasting two tickets. I understand. But I’m still incredibly sad. I’m not trying to be selfish. I willingly chose not to go. I could have just had my mom watch her and hope for the best, but I knew that wouldn’t be right for me to do.

We were very naive when we bought the tickets a year ago to think we could both go, not making that mistake again! And even though this is something small in the scheme of things it was definitely some type of sacrifice for me. I love my daughter, but I also want to make sure my marriage will last through her whole life and right now I feel like definitely needs some work.

I also have a lot of anxiety staying by myself at night so that is very hard for me too. I’m jealous that my husband gets to get away and enjoy himself with a friend. He’s not spending the night with a sleepless, screaming baby. But I also wouldn’t change my night with her for the world. I just hope that one day he realizes the kind of sacrifices I made even when our marriage is rocky.