I’m going to be honest, I cannot even truly explain what haunts me every night.

I have a vivid dream that has me being 5 years old again, in my parents bed, with an faceless, shadow of a person above me, fucking me violently. I go into zone outs or panic attacks when someone touches me slightly the wrong way. I am scared to tell anyone because I cannot tell if this is something that actually happened to me or a dream. My therapist isn’t even sure.

I’m almost 20. I have never told my parents more than the minor harassment like snapping my bra straps or teasing me for being busty. I’m scared it was my dad who did it as my mom was pretty emotionally distraught around that time and unable to to much of anything. He has coerced my mom into sexual things she has not wanted, which only adds to my fear it was him.