I've always wanted to be a Mom. You've heard that before, right? I remember babysitting my cousins and making homemade playdough, and cutting up their foods into bite size pieces, playing with them outside and getting just as dirty, painting projects, and more. "You're going to make the best Mom someday." I heard that from many.

Someday occurred January 5th, 2017. When I first found out I was pregnant my husband just lost his job because his company lost the account and it was the only one in our state. We became pregnant the month we decided we were done trying after 9 months of negative tests. Weird how that works. Anyways, my husband found a new job fortunately, but it is a night shift position. 7 days on of 12 hour shifts, so he was gone 4pm-6am.

I was kind of left to my own defenses raising a newborn. My mom had also just moved a state away a week before we found out we were pregnant, and my dad passed a while ago. I felt so alone. I had a baby on my breast constantly who was very colicky and constantly needed me, but I cannot remember a time where I felt more lonely. I cried, a lot.

Fast forward and my little colicky baby turned into a spunky toddler. I love her more than anything, truly. But SHIT I miss me. I miss being able to do what I want. I'm 18 weeks pregnant (not planned) and I feel fatter than ever. How I long to go for a long walk. But, there's my toddler running towards the street or throwing a tantrum because I put her in the stroller. Turn around, let's go back home. Text comes through, "Do you want to go to breakfast with me?" YES, I would love to. But then images flash in my mind of my toddler screaming at the last restaurant we tried, with dirty looks from surrounding people. "Maybe next time" I reply.

I used to love photography. There's an idea. We can go outside in our yard and she can play and I can take pictures. .........

.... Okay, nap time it is. And while you nap I can make dinner and clean this house and do laundry and make my husbands lunch for once and maybe even a homemade dessert and maybe even take some pictures and....

Here I am instead. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Unsure of how I'm going to do this with two babies. Scared.

Dear God, help me be the best mom I can be and please remove these selfish thoughts of mine, wanting so badly to just be ME.