To put a little back history, my fiancé and I have been together for three years. We did the long distance thing for quite some time until my children, and I moved to his hometown. Currently I am pregnant, which the added hormones isn’t helpful in this circumstance. I know most just jump right into all the bad shit but first I’ll say that he is a hard worker (allowing me to be a SAHM), helps take care of my children, shows up to their events, paints my toenails since I’m pregnant and can’t reach them, nightly back massages just because, etc. He has plenty of great qualities, puts me first in some circumstances, or I wouldn’t be engaged.

.. here’s the kicker.

I am quite a good investigator, and whenever my gut tells me to look for something- I always find something. From seeing a picture of his female friend (whom is married with two children) dressed in lingerie in his phone while I was actually innocently trying to find and delete an unflattering picture he took of me (said she “accidentally” sent it to him via Fb msg and he only saved it because he thought of showing her husband.. a husband is coincidently has blocked now, but not her), other random pictures of girls (said he was sending them to his friend to try and get him a hook up.. right), hacked his email because he received a text while sleeping from a girls email address instead of a phone number (it was confirmed that she was of irrelevance) only to find that he messaged a prostitute from the Eros website to see how the business transaction would work (even asked if she had availability in the city he worked in, on a day he was off, during a time I thought he was on call but wasn’t.. said he was just curious to find out how something like that could even be legal, with no intent of actually doing anything.. right.), found messaged with an ex co worker that involved porn pictures of naked women and talking about “look at this one, I’d love to get ahold of that” while I’m over here pregnant and insecure af, to yesterday he goes on a charter fishing boat trip with ex coworkers and tells me that same co worker I despise didn’t show—yet I find a picture he got sent of him and said coworker holding up their fucking fish 🙄 (like whyyyyy even lie about it? So petty and so dumb)

To everyone that will likely say “if you don’t trust him then why be with him,” it’s because I’ve given up on most of the relationships I’ve ever been in and for once I would like to at least walk way after knowing I’ve done EVERYTHING to try and keep us together- the kids deserve that. He may not be my children’s father but he’s been the closest father figure they’ve had for years, they love their step sister, their home, their school.. so it isn’t as easy as just up am leaving, esp with me being pregnant on top of everything. But when is enough, enough? Like damn..

*Also, he does know I go through his phone randomly.. which is why he’s even more of an idiot to not delete things, but some men just aren’t that clever I guess.

I guess I just needed to vent. 😩

Ps: As he’s sleeping next to me, I just want to punch him in the dick.