Warning: NICU loss

At 20 weeks, I found out that not only was I having a boy, but also that my cervix was half the length that it should normally be. My midwife sent me to a high risk OB who did some more observations and was not concerned. No history of premature birth, no way to know if this would be a problem. At 23 weeks 5 days, I had my first birthing class. I learned that if you have more than 4 braxton hicks contractions in an hour, you need to call your doctor. The next day at work, I started feeling VERY light cramps at 12:30. About 6-7 in an hour. I drank a ton of water, moved around, they didn’t go away. So I called Labor & Delivery who told me to come in. I left work at 2:00, got to triage about 2:30. I was 8cm dilated, 100% effaced, with bulging waters. I was 23 weeks 6 days. My doctors knew he was coming so I was admitted and we were waiting until I was fully dilated. I felt an extreme urge to pee an hour or so later, and they didn’t want me getting out of bed, so I called the nurse in who checked, and it was time to go. The NICU team was standing by when the OB broke my water. Blood started gushing out of me. My placenta detached when my waters broke and turned into placenta previa. I went in for an emergency classical c-section, which means a side-to-side incision on my skin and an up and down incision on my uterus. No VBAC for me in the future. My son was immediately rushed to the NICU with my husband and I went to recovery. I remember telling everyone in the operating room to tell him I love him when he was born. When I woke up, I was given his stats. He was 1 lb 12 oz, 13 in long born 5:22pm on Tuesday April 3. His blood was very acidotic. I was fortunate to be able to go in a wheelchair to the NICU three floors up just a few hours afterwards. I was VERY motivated. Callum was so tiny and so wiggly. The NICU nurses actually had to put a small blanket over his arms to restrain him from hitting the plastic wrap covering his bed. About 4 am, they did labs again and said his levels had normalized so we were very hopeful. At 9 am, the doctors did rounds and were concerned because his oxygen levels wouldn’t stabilize and his acid levels had gone up again. We were told a brain bleed could cause this. I just kept repeating over and over “He’s perfect. It’s something else. This is going to be okay.” Eventually the results of the brain ultrasound came back and his doctor told us he had a very severe brain bleed, and there was nothing that could be done. My husband and I just held him, sang, read books, and told him all of our hopes and dreams for him. We loved him until he passed. Callum was 23 hours old. He’s the only micro preemie I’ve ever known to have to be restrained, and I used to volunteer as a cuddler in that unit. He was so beautiful. His features were 50/50 mine and my husband’s. Thumbs and big toes are apparently genetic traits. I miss him so much. I have a house full of baby things and a heart full of sorrow. I am so lucky to have the most perfect partner in my husband. He helped me use the bathroom, get dressed, shower, and helped stuff my sports bra with cabbage leaves and ice packs when my milk came in two days after we lost our baby. I just wanted to be able to share our story. I think people are afraid to even mention it when someone loses a child, and I don’t want to hide my baby’s life. Thank you, if you made it this far.

UPDATE: I can’t even begin to reply to every single message, but I have read each one and I am so thankful. The fact that so many people have read Callum’s story and are offering prayers and support is such a blessing. I am going to throw in a shameless plug for your local NICU or Dance Marathon organization. I participated in my University’s DM program and volunteered in the NICU during college. Two years after graduation, I was blessed with the services of both. My NICU kept my son alive for as long as they could, and DM provided food for my husband and I and his parents so we could focus on loving our baby for as long as we could.