Accepting My Early Miscarriage

I found out I was pregnant on May 21, 2018. My husband and I had been trying for baby #3 for 10 months. We have 2 beautiful, healthy daughters with no problems for either pregnancy, aside from placenta previa with baby #1, which corrected itself. I got a very faint positive on May 21, but it was positive! I waited until my husband got home that night to tell him, because with our girls I wasn't able to "surprise" him. When he got home I told him and we were both happy!

Well I waited 2 days to take another frer to see if the line had gotten darker, but surprisingly, the line got much lighter on an frer. This is where my worries came into place. But I reassured myself it was probably just the test. Well I went and bought some more tests the next day (blue dye) and it was super dark, so that reassured me! Then later that night I started spotting and kind of already knew what was probably going to happen.

Friday morning I woke up and was cramping like i would before my period began, but my boobs weren't tender anymore like they had been just a few hours ago the night before. I went to the restroom and took two pregnancy tests; a digital and a pink dye, and my worst fears were indeed confirmed. Both came back negative. I went back to bed and told my husband I was pretty sure I was having a miscarriage, and explained to him what I was experiencing, sobbed a bit, and gathered myself. I called my OB and asked what they recommended and She said to come in for an hcg blood test, but since my hpt came back negative already, that I probably was having a miscarriage.

I got there at 11 AM with my husband and girls. I was called to the back, my blood was drawn. I asked the nurse what I should expect because I hadn't started bleeding heavily yet. I started crying trying to talk to her and she told me how sorry she was, but we had to wait to see what my numbers were to see what we needed to do from there. I walked back out to my two previous girls and husband and just had to sit down and cry for a second.

We had planned a camping trip for that weekend, so we went to go get supplies and things for that. We went to the lake for the weekend and I seriously believe God timed it just right. That i needed that distraction from the something bad that was taking place, with the things that were most important to me. I started bleeding a little heavier Friday night, Saturday being the worst, but not excruciating. Just like a heavy period.

While of course I am sad, I am also thankful. I'm thankful for the two beautiful girls I already have. And the fact that i was able to carry a tiny baby to 4w5d. The fact that baby didn't have to face the trials and hardships of this world, and the first thing they saw was Jesus! I feel like since I only had 5 days to celebrate and then begin to mourn made it easier. I don't have all these overwhelming questions of "why" like others and I feel fortunate for that. I accepted it the minute my tests were negative. I knew I would be ok. I still want a baby so badly, but I am also thankful I was actually able to get pregnant, as i have only ovulated twice in the past 10 months, once with the help of femara (the cycle I conceived). My hope is this miscarriage helps reset my cycles.

My hcg levels came back at only 5 on Friday, before I even began bleeding heavily. I know the only reason I'm handling this with strength is just God. I have such peace. Heaven is sweeter for

me and my husband. So here's to starting trying to conceive again with the hope of a sticky bean next time!

Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.26:4 Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength: