I did my best. I had been recovered for 3 years before I was successful ttcing. I thought that pregnancy might trigger me to relapse, but with this self awareness I never even thought about restricting or engaging in disordered behaviors. I had my baby 2 months ago. They are the love of my life. I have never loved a human more than them. I started skipping meals to care for them... drinking sugar water instead of meals to keep my blood sugar from crashing... then I started measuring the sugar... skipping more meals... Now I have gotten to the point where I am, in essence, using my child as mental excuse to relapse. I know it's bad. I KNOW. I didn't remember how easy it was to slip back into this. I can't put my family through this again. I can't get bad like i was last time. My child doesn't need to see their mother at 80 pounds hooked to a feeding tube. I don't want to do this... I need help... Long story short fuck this anorexia. I HATE WHAT IT HAS DONE. MY LIFE HAS BEEN RIDDLED WITH HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS, INPATIENT, OUTPATIENT, BLAH BLAH BLAH... Please, anorexia, do not take my happiness from me now. My baby needs me. I don't need you.